Little Petey

LITTLE PETEY is a serio-comic scene between two male friends.  Mike visits Amos at his apartment and the two embark on a rare private conversation.  2 men.

Little Petey

Amos: I want to start something man.

Mike: What the hell you talking about?

Amos: I’ve had it.  I’ve finally had enough of this crappy life.

Mike: We’ve always had a crappy life.  What difference does it make now?

Amos: It’s been stacking up for years, this way of life; if something doesn’t change I’m gonna lose it.

Mike: Dude, relax—

Amos: You relax, man.  Enough with that dude word.  You a surfer now?  Huh? You riding waves in California or something?  Don’t dude me all the time.

Mike: Don’t tell me how to talk.

Amos: Don’t dude me, around me.  Dude somewhere else.  Hate that word.  What is a dude, anyway?  Do I look like I have buck teeth and sloppy blond hair?  Huh?  Walking around like I got a surfboard?  (doing a voice) “Dude, dude…hey dude, dudical dude.”  You’re from Queens, alright?  Talk like you’re from Queens.

Mike: I didn’t know you were so angry over the word dude, bro.

Amos: Well now you know.

Mike: You’re just having a bad day.

Amos: Bad day?  Is that all? How about a bad life?  I got a small prick and I’m angry about it.

Mike: What?!

Amos: My…I have a small…thing.

Mike: Dude.

Amos: Dude!  Stop, that word DUDE, dude me one more time man.

Mike: You just told me something crazy!  Who goes around telling people they have a small prick?

Amos: I am furious!  Furious about it.  Girls laugh when they see it.  The latest girl just got sick.  She vomited all over my bathroom sink cause she said she really liked me and it shattered her optimism.

Mike: Are you messing with me?

Amos: Hold out your hand man.

Mike: What—

Amos: Hold out your freaking hand.

(Mike holds out his hand – Amos picks one finger)

That one.  That’s the size.  That is what the glorious Lord bestowed upon my shoulders. A life of humiliation and abuse, laughs and lies.

Mike: Sorry, man.

Amos: Loretta man….ohhh, Loretta.

Mike: What?

Amos: Things were going amazing between us, she was, I mean, it was beyond my belief.  Every time I was with her, felt like I was in a dream world bro.  Lasted two weeks.  Took my time.  We finally get down to some real action and out comes little petey and she looks up at me and goes, ‘Oh..that it?’

I couldn’t even look at her, I couldn’t…she gets up and sits next to me on the edge of the bed and starts patting me on the back saying, ‘Don’t worry, don’t worry, Amos.’  And then comes, ‘Can I use your bathroom?”  I nod and within two minutes I hear her throwing up in the sink.  That was it.  I took her home.  Not one word was exchanged the whole ride.  When I pulled up to her house she looked at me and said, “Does Viagra help with that?”  Imagine?  Viagra…I mean, I got enough sperm in my balls to light up an entire city for months and she’s diagnosing me with Viagra, bro.

Mike: And you haven’t heard from her since?

Amos: Nope.

Mike: You try calling her?

Amos: What for?  It’s a done deal.

Mike: What are you gonna to do?

Amos: About what?

Mike: Have you gone to the doctor?

Amos: Doctor?

Mike: Isn’t there some sort of growth hormone pill you can take or something?

Amos: Don’t bother me about that.  You fix one thing and then you get another thing.

Mike: But dud–bro, if it’s affecting your whole life, who cares?

Amos: I’ve read the side effects.  Do I have to go blind to blow my load?

Mike: Blind?

Amos: There’s all sorts of crazy shit that happens to you.  It turns you into a monster.

Mike: What about those extensions?

Amos: There’s no slicing and dicing going on.

Mike: Hey…let me ask you this…what about dating a really small chick?  Like, search for a woman who’s like four feet tall or something.

Amos: Are you kidding me?  I’m almost six foot!

Mike: I’m trying to help you!

Amos: I know but it’s not helping!

Mike: All this time.

Amos: What’s that?

Mike: Nah, you don’t seem like a guy who would have a small…you know.  I’m just saying.

Amos: Just saying?  Yeah…do I look like a guy who would crack you in your head?

Mike: Relax Amos, you get too intense.

Amos: Stop saying stupid shit to me then!

(beat)

Mike: You hungry, wanna eat something?  Want some sushi rolls or something?

Amos: WHAT?

Mike: What??

Amos: You said sushi rolls.

Mike: Japanese food.

Amos: Are you comparing my size to a sushi roll?

Mike: Are you kidding me man?

Amos: Just answer my question.

Mike: I can’t even believe you’re asking me that.

Amos: Should have never of told you.

Mike: Relax.

Amos: You say any thing to anybody I’ll kill you.  You hear me?

Mike: Who am I gonna tell?

Amos: Tara and her big fat mouth.

Mike: I swear I won’t say a word Amos.

Amos: I’m so stupid for telling you.  I hate myself!

Mike: Am I the only one who knows?

Amos: How can you be the only one?  Do you know how many women I’ve hooked up with?

Mike: That’s true.

Amos: They all have stories about me now.

Mike: If everybody knows by now, who cares?

Amos: I care!  I don’t want people talking about it.

Mike: Bro, I’m sorry to say but the cats out of the bag.  People talk and I’m sure—

(Amos puts Mike up against the wall)

Amos: What did you say?  Huh? What did you just say?

Mike: Amos!  I’m trying to put you at ease.

Amos: Huh? HUH?

Mike: People already know man…listen…I already knew alright?

Amos: What?

Mike: I already knew.

Amos: KNEW WHAT?

Mike: About little petey.

Amos: You knew about little petey?

Mike: Yeah man.

(Amos releases his hold on Mike)

We all do.

Amos: Who’s we?

Mike: Well, don’t get mad…

Amos: Just tell me WHO?

Mike: Tara already knows…

Amos: No way.

Mike: Bro, listen, Tara knows because she’s friends with Little Fran and Little Fran and you hooked up that one time in grammar school and she told Tara, so shit started flying around back then but nobody really took it seriously because we was just kids and not full grown yet, so there was still hope for you, so we thought, if it was true and but then years later you ended up hooking up with Big Fran and Big Fran told Little Fran the same thing and then Tara caught on about it and started talking to people in conversation and one night I was out with them, we were all talking and chilling out at Dunkin’ Donuts and you came up in a joke that was made.  I can’t exactly remember what about but it was in reference to something tiny and both Frans were there and started chuckling and Tara noticed and started laughing really loud like, and you know how Tara starts laughing once she starts laughing, right?  And then all the others started asking what was so funny and then one thing led to another and the beans got spilt man, so everybody sort of already knows about it already.  (beat) You don’t have to be upset about it now since everybody knows, so the pressure is off, right?

Amos: I wanna die.  Listen, get out.  I’m moving.  I’m gonna disappear and kill myself.  I’m done.  I’m done with this miserable life.

Mike: So no sushi?

Amos: Get out!  Get outta my house!

(Mike exits for the door)

Mike: Nobody cares man, we all love you anyway.  Don’t mean nothing!

Amos: Leave before I, I don’t even know what I’m gonna do, just leave…

(Mike exits)

Joseph Arnone

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