Man With Gun

In the short comedic sketch, Man With Gun, Two men stand up inside STARLIGHT DINER.  JACK waves a gun and RUSSEL holds a laundry bag.

Man With Gun

JACK: Alright, everybody! This is a robbery! My name’s Jack and we want your money.

RUSSEL: Dude, what?

JACK: Don’t worry, I got this.

RUSSEL: Don’t announce your name you stupid a-hole.

JACK: Hey Russel, it’s a psychological strategy.

RUSSEL: You are so stupid!

JACK: Be quiet!  I’m the man with the gun.  So, shut your pie hole and please allow for this robbery to commence. Sorry folks, as I was saying before my partner in crime rudely interrupted, was that we want your cash and jewelry. Not your credit cards cause that shit gets traced. Russel is going around with an overpriced laundry bag we bought next-door, so don’t do your laundry there and place your items calmly in the bag.

Russel reaches a fiesty elderly lady.

LADY: I’m not giving you shit.


LADY: Want my hearing aid?  You heard me dipshit.

JACK: (to Russel) What’s the problem?

RUSSEL: (to Jack) She says she won’t give me shit.

JACK: Okay, fine, just move on, move on, bro.

Lady starts laughing at Russel.

LADY: Bitch.

RUSSEL: Screw you, lady.

JACK: Stop talking, hurry up!

LADY: I’ll kick your ass.

RUSSEL: Yeah, okay.

Lady stands up.

LADY: You see this diamond ring.  (she waves her ring in the air)  I bet you can’t take it from me.

RUSSEL: I bet I can.

LADY: Try me.

Lady starts bouncing up and down like a pro boxer, with her hands up ready to fist fight.

RUSSEL: Oh, yeah? You want some of this? You want to try this?

JACK: Russel! Are you insane?!

Lady pops a punch in Russel’s face. Russel staggers back.

LADY: Bitch.

Russel takes a swing at the lady who ducks and slips a wondrous amount of jabs to Russel’s ribcage. Russel winces in pain.

Come on, I got more for you punk, bitch.

JACK: Russel, she’s kicking your ass, forget it man. You’re gonna lose!

RUSSEL: She’s like ninety-three! No way I’m losing.

LADY: Come on cry baby, pucker up.

Lady punches Russel clear in the face, ONE, TWO…here comes the wind up…THREE. She knocks Russel off his feet.  He lands flat on a table.

Lady sits down victorious while a few other customers pat her on the back.

JACK: Russel? Russel?

Jack goes over to Russel.

Come on! We need to go.

RUSSEL: Did I get her?

JACK: You got her. Let’s go. Hurry up.

Russel gets up.

RUSSEL: I’m up. (he looks at old lady) I want a rematch.

LADY: That’s what they all say.

Russel darts the woman a look and joins Jack in running out of the diner.


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Joseph Arnone