Mommy This and Mommy That

In this monologue, MOMMY has reached her breaking point with her children.  Her kids seem to constantly argue, which has brought this Mother to get a little nutty.  The action takes place in the backyard of their home.

(Mommy has a glazed “Mommie Dearest” look over her face)

MOMMY: That’s what this is all about.  Right, kids?  FUN.



Now, let’s go try to climb the mountain and we can stop all the bickering and fighting and insanity that seems to exist in our family and let’s try to exhaust the demon out of your little souls, so Mommy doesn’t smack you unconscious?  Okay?  Are you with me, kids?


Nothings wrong with Mommy.  Go ahead little Bobby, pick up that giant bug infested stick and bash it across your sister’s jaw.  And Susie, you can pick up that giant boulder and throw it at your brother.  Go ahead, since you hate one another so much.


And then when we all reach the top of the mountain, Mommy is going to jump right the hell off, so I don’t have to deal with this bull crap in my life (singing) annnny lonnnngggerrrr.

What’s that little Bobby?  Oh, Mommy said a bad word?  Believe me, I want to say worse!  I know son, I know.  It is what happens when a Mother has been brought to the point of no return my angel of a son.

(singing) Mommy this and Mommy that.  I’m going to change my name!  You two killing one another and I’m playing referee all the time.  FUN.  No More.  No more my wonderful children.

Mommy is going WWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—right off the mountain.  That’s it.  Gone.  No more Mommy. No more Mommy to torture.  So it is fantastic that we live by the mountains. Isn’t it kiddies?  FUN!

What?  Oh, you’re going to be good.  Yeah?  Hmmm.  I don’t know about that.  What?  Oh you promise?  You promise, Mommy?


(Snapping out of her “Mommie Dearest” phase and trying to get a grip of herself)

Are you both going to stop fighting?  I’ve had it!  Next time, I’m walking out the door and I’m disappearing for good.  Now, get your asses upstairs, you’re both punished and I don’t want to hear another sound. That’s it!  Upstairs! Now!

Joseph Arnone


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