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My Current State of Existence

JOURNEE has been undergoing an emotional impairment within herself for quite some time.  This monologue is her attempt at taking steps toward breaking free.

Journee:  It’s been a long time.  My life is much different now.  I often wonder if it’s still not too late.

The most severe aspect of it all for me is that I still haven’t yet come to grips with time.  I put so much time into it.  Years.  Many years.

I’m at a point where I don’t know if I love it the way I used to love it.  In fact, I’m not so sure I ever really loved it to begin with.

Maybe it was all a distraction, an excuse…

If I go back, I know it’s going to be something that alters my current state of existence.  It’s an enormous commitment.  Not sure I have the strength.

It’s a strange place to be in.  It’s like being held captive inside your own skin.

The decision is all mine but there’s so much garbage to sort through first, before I can see clearly enough.

I’m an emotional hoarder.  Old feelings I need to free myself from and I’m—I think I’m not trying hard enough to break free because of what it has always meant to me.

If I let these feelings go, what will be left?  What if there is nothing?  No.  That can’t be the case.  I am sure there will be something.  A new start?

I don’t know anymore.  I do know that I need to do something.  Something!  Anything!  I must break out of myself!  I must!

I can’t stay trapped here like this.  Alone!  Always alone!  Always!

(beat)

It must come from me.  Before it’s too late.  It will come from me.

Joseph Arnone

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