My Green Lawn

In the serio-comedy monologue, ‘My Green Lawn’, an elderly man is fed up with a doberman pinscher crapping on his perfect lawn.

FREDERICK:  For the past two months, I kept finding dog shit on my front lawn.  Sporadically.  I could never catch the son of a bitch.  Today, I caught the son of a bitch.  Reeeeed handed!

I’ve been staking out my front lawn for the last thirty days straight.  I’ve been sleeping in my car, waking up to an alarm clock at four in the morning.  My wife thought I went bananas but you have to understand what a lawn means to a man.

I’ve worked hard to have that perfect green lawn for years!  I’ve slaved over my lawn.  A lot of energy, time and money have been invested in my lawn and I’ll be damned if some neighborhood dog is going to crap where crap should not be.

I’ve left signs on my lawn.  Those, what do you call those signs, those CURB YOUR DOG signs.  I’ve left three different signs and it was to no avail.  FINALLY, this morning, I got ’em!

I waited patiently as I spotted this man walking a doberman pinscher towards my lawn.  I waited with agony as I watched this beast leave the largest dump I have ever witnessed a dog make in all my life.  Sensational!  I was devastated beyond belief but believe you me, I jumped out from my car with my weapon of choice, my baton and I pursued to yell at this young man until I felt the blood freeze in my face.

The man swore up and down to never bring his dog to my lawn again and that he was extremely sorry for doing so.  He said that his dog loved the softness of my lawn on his paws.  Now, I don’t know if that was a compliment or sarcasm but either way I got rid of this guy and his dinosaur crapping dog, for good.

Joseph Arnone


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