Next In Line

In this monologue, Lucille verbally abuses customers for no apparent reason.  This is a comedy and meant to be a monologue skit.   It’s as if a retail worker can actually speak their mind, this is what might come out.  The character is a real bitch, full of sarcasm and attitude.  Not someone you would like but it works for the piece written.

LUCILLE: Next in line!

(Looking at the items the customer wishes to purchase)

What is that?  You’re actually going to buy that?


Hey, whatever floats your boat lady.


What do I mean?  Nothing, I’ll get fired, nevermind.  Sorry I spoke.

(looking at the next item)

Oh God!  Hahaha.  Are you serious about those underwears?  You can fit a dinosaur in those.  Jesus!  Why don’t you lose some weight or something?  God, my uncles a truck driver and gets extremely lonely on long drives and even HE would pass up on what wears those!

I’m sorry, I’ll shut up now.  I’m bad, I know I’m bad.  I’m just opinio—Oh NO!  BROWNIES!!!  You’re going to buy a box, NO, one, two, THREE, THREE boxes of brownies??!!! Wow, hey, be my guest…go for it.  Come back in a week for a bigger size of undies.  You can always exchange….

(trying not to laugh but then)


What?  My manager?  My manager is off duty right now.  He’s too busy porking the woman who works nextdoor at Subway.

What?  You ARE speaking to someone…ME.

(smiles sarcastically)

Come on, come on.  Just pass over the next item so you can get back to the farm.  Let’s go, keep it moving, let’s go.  Come on, come on.  Send it down.

Awwwwww, now THAT’S nice.  That is really really….HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  YEAH RIGHT!  AS IF!!!

A poco dot dress!  God, now it makes sense, you work for the circus don’t you?  You’re one of those freaks!  Do you have free tickets?  Do ya?  Come on, do ya?  Just one, give me a pass for one.


Why is your face turning beat red?  Are you okay?  That’s why you gotta lay off the pasta there babe.  I’ll tell you what.  Why don’t you go back in the store and buy yourself a salad?  A nice healthy salad.  Go on, you do that and I’ll be right here waiting for you.  Chop, chop!  Go on!  I’ll give you a recipe!


Hello sir!  HAHAHA.  Oh yeah, you’re gonna need those!  Why bother?  It’s not like you are actually going to get some?


Go buy a mirror instead and take a haaaaard and I mean haaaaard look at yourself there pal. Whew! Isle seven pal. Yeah, right next to isle six where we sell facial cream, which I strongly suggest you use for those holes in your face. God have mercy on you! Church! Go to church and say a selfish prayer, be sure to catch the late night mass so you don’t scare anybody.


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Joseph Arnone