Nose Hairs

In comedic monologue Nose Hairs, Danica tells her friend about the guy that just tried picking her up at the bar counter.

DANICA: I was just talking to Groundhog Day.  The guy had nose hairs as long as my fingernails.  I mean really, what chance in hell did he have in picking me up?

I didn’t know whether to laugh at him or ask the bartender for a pair of scissors. He’s liable to stab somebody with those pointers.  Every time he leaned in I was in dodge mode, bobbing and weaving for fear of getting my eye poked out.  His nose was like some sort of medieval torture device holding me captive.  I was afraid to step away as if I would trigger the gauntlet down on me.

Imagine kissing him?  Oh that must be a thrill and a half.  You kind of have to part it in the middle as if you’re going through a spiderweb.  Wow!  Like your searching for a light switch in the dark.

I cannot believe that men like that take themselves seriously.  Do they even look at themselves in the mirror before they leave the house?  Really?  Do they?  You’ve got to be kidding me!

I think if he grows them puppies for about a week longer, he can claim it as a mustache!  Come to think of it, don’t they have nose hair competitions?  He definitely should enter one…honestly, he would surely win.  Hands down.  I mean, you think he waters the hairs each day, like a plant?  I should have asked him.

Who are these people??  I finally worked up enough nerve to walk away but couldn’t resist the urge to say, “trim, trim, trim” as I passed him and made my exit.  I even looked behind me a few times as I got away to make sure those tentacles didn’t sneak up to reach for one of my legs.  I was scared.  Really, I was, I was.

I made it though.  I made it back safe.  Thank God.  I’ll be sure to cross that guy off my bucket list, alright?

Joseph Arnone

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