Not Your Average A**hole

In this comedic monologue, BILBO gets told that he is no longer wanted at the company he works for by his boss.

OWNER:  Look, Bilbo, I can’t have you work here anymore and the reason being…is that you’re an a**hole. Very simple.  There’s no sugar coating it.  There’s no, “Oh, the company is downsizing” type stuff, okay?  You’re just an a**hole.  I mean, a**hole, in the most sophisticated sense of the word.  You make your typical a**hole want to call you an a**hole.

Look at Frank, that’s an a**hole, am I right?  But you, you’re such an a**hole that you make Frank look like the honor roll student of a**holes and we both know he’s as dumb as dirt.  (to Frank)  Sorry, Frank.

(back to Bilbo)

But he’s a tolerable a**hole.  You go beyond your average a**hole.  You are like the friggin’, like—if there was a college just for a**holes, you wouldn’t even be the Dean, you’d be the founder with your great big a**hole of a name plastered all over your a**hole school for all the a**hole students of the world who would be trained under your philosophical a**hole way of viewing the world.  How’s that?

No, wait, there’s more…If it was your birthday, the pastry chef would write the words, Happy Birthday A**HOLE on your cake.  Okay?  Hold on.  On your wedding day, even the Priest in a church of God, will turn to you and say, “A**hole, do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?”  If you ever became President the level of a**hole you would display would make the citizens of America be forced to name a day after you called, A**HOLE DAY!

You should have your own cologne called, you guessed it, A**HOLE, so allll the a**holes of the world could wear it to help non-a**holes know when a genuine a**hole is approaching.  See that door?  That’s the a**hole door.  That’s where I’m telling you to check out and God almighty, don’t ever come back.

Joseph Arnone


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