One Big Slice

One Big Slice is a short serio-comic sketch for two characters having an argument over what items get purchased at the supermarket.  1 woman, 1 man.  

One Big Slice

Kitchen.  Day.

Shirley: What’s the point of goin’ to the store if you ain’t gonna get the shit that I want?
Penn: I got the shit you wanted on the list.
Shirley: No you didn’t. Where’s my strawberry cake?
Penn: They didn’t have it.
Shirley: They sure as shit had. Just got off the phone with Maggie and they have three whole strawberry cakes as big as life sitting on the shelf.
Penn: I didn’t see any.
Shirley: You saw it, you just being a spiteful son of a bitch.
Penn: I told you don’t call me that cause you calling my ma a bitch. If you’re gonna curse me, curse me not my mom.
Shirley: You sound like a Goddamn child. From now on I’ll do my own damn shopping, walker and all.
Penn: Don’t start in with that now, I hold up my end.
Shirley: You can’t even go to the store and where’s, where’s the canned spinach? Did you leave out the canned spinach on the list?
Penn: Shit, I didn’t get that. I’ll take the blame on that one. I must have forgotten it.
Shirley: How can you forget it? It’s on the list, Penn! You go down the list and get the item, then you go to the next one and get that item. Where’s the difficulty in it?
Penn: I said I forgot it cause I’m walking on one side of the store and then the other and then back again because everything you put on the list makes me lose twenty-five pounds from walking all around the Goddamn store! People be looking at me like I’m stupid!
Shirley: That’s all in your mind, besides, you can use some damn exercise anyhow. Have you noticed yourself lately? Belly’s growing!
Penn: You the one that wants me to pick up strawberry cake.
Shirley: And?
Penn: And? And who do you think eats the damn thing?
Shirley: You.
Penn: That’s right.
Shirley: But you ain’t supposed to eat the whole damn thing. Don’t matter what kind of cake we get I always taste ONE SLICE. God forbid I get a little more than crumbs.
Penn: Crumbs? Jesus woman, I’ve watched you stuff slice after slice in your mouth.
Shirley: You’re terrible! Those are small slices.
Penn: Not if you stack ’em up. Your three small slices adds up to my one big slice so we are neck and neck.
Shirley: Hell no.
Penn: Hell yes.
Shirley: Hell no, that is.
Penn: Hell yes, that definitely is, I said.

(pause.)

Shirley: What? You gonna stand there all day now dazed and confused or you going back to the store?
Penn: You must be joking.
Shirley: I ain’t joking I want my strawberry cake, Penn.
Penn: I ain’t driving all the way back to that stupid Goddamn store for your stupid Goddamn strawberry cake!
Shirley: Fine!
Penn: What the hell are you doing?

Shirley holds up a bottle of liquor.

Shirley: If you don’t leave this house in the next five seconds to get my strawberry cake, I’m about to smash this bottle up against that wall.

(pause.)

Penn: You ain’t serious.
Shirley: Don’t test me! Don’t do it. You know I’m a crazy bitch when I want to be. You have two seconds to decide the fate of this here bottle. Onnnnne….Twwww—
Penn: Alright, damnit to hell. You, you really piss me off!
Shirley: Do things right the first time, there won’t have to be a second time.

Penn storms out of the kitchen.

And don’t forget the canned spinach!

Joseph Arnone

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