Open Invitation

In short serio-comic monologue, Open Invitation, Jerry recounts a story to a friend about what happened to him at a restaurant with a waitress.

JERRY:   I’m dining out alone and my waitress, she had to be in her mid-forties but looked like she was in her late seventies, starts coming on to me.  You know, making little subtle hints here and there.  Dropping little tell tale signs of what time she’s getting off, how she lives alone, how she’s stressed out lately, pretty much an open invitation!

But she was a beast.  Black teeth, missing teeth, crooked teeth.  A dentists nightmare!  Let me put it to you another way, if she was the last woman on Earth and I was the last man on Earth and in order for humanity to survive we had to procreate…NEVER HAPPEN.  I couldn’t do it.  Humanity would end as we know it.

(beat)

Yeah, so anyways, I was doing everything in my power to avoid her advances.  I played the dumb role, the ignore role, the laugh it off role, the make a serious face role and no matter what I did, she would get even more determined.  So, I began texting random people in my phone.  Even THAT didn’t stop her.  So I went outside to make a phone call, even THAT didn’t stop her.  She came out for a smoke!

Then you will never believe what she does next.  She tells me she is feeling faint.  Next thing I know she passes out and I am forced to catch her and sit her down at the nearest seat.  So, her eyes slowly open and she says, “You caught me?” And I was like, “Yeah”.

Then she looks at me and says, “I want to give you my number.”  I lied and told her I was married with two kids.  Then she was like, “Well, what about a hot piece of ass on the side?”  I was like, “Show me where”.  And that’s when she flipped out.

She was like, “Forget it, forget you.  You’re like the rest!  A tease.  You’re nothing.”  And she just went nutso.  She throws me my check.  It was insane.  The scene she made.  People walking by were staring.  It was so embarrassing.  I just wanted a peaceful dinner out by myself to clear my mind and this is the shit I had to deal with.

Joseph Arnone

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