Pigeon People

Short comedic scene for two men and one female character who comes in at the end.  Samuel sees people as pigeons and shares his story.

Pigeon People

Samuel: I see pigeons in my mind.  Let me explain…

People as pigeons.  Okay?  I see people, doesn’t matter who, could be anybody…my sister, my brother, a cousin, friend, stranger, whoever.

I see the person in my mind but then I see them as a pigeon.  Like walking around just like a pigeon does but only the head remains human.

But it gets stranger.

Not only do I see a particular person as a pigeon but every time I see what I call a ‘pigeon person’ they do this strange thing with their neck.  Alright?  It’s like a spastic twitch to one side.

Does that shit make any sense to you?

No, right?  Right.  I figured.  So here, I want to demonstrate it for you.  I want to show you what I see.

Samuel stands up.

Picture me as a pigeon.  But wait, wait.  Please don’t laugh cause, just don’t laugh when I show you. Okay?

Samuel walks around the room like a pigeon.

You see me?  You see me?  Okay.  Now, once I see the pigeon person, I see this…

Samuel starts to twitch his head spastically to one side and stops suddenly.

That’s it.  That’s what I see.  That’s just the way it is for me. What do you make of that?

Joel: I wish you didn’t show me what you just showed me.

Samuel: Yeah. Why?

Joel: It was actually pretty messed up.

Samuel: What was messed up about it?

Joel: You just pranced around my living room as a pigeon and then went into some sort of neck spasm, right?

Samuel: Yeah, that was a spasm.

Joel: Right. A spasm. Right. There was like a rage in it, no?

Samuel: I hold my breath when I do the spasm part.

Joel: Why?

Samuel: I don’t freakin’ know man, I was hoping you could explain it to me!

Joel: How do you expect me to explain what you just did? I am still trying to convince myself of what I just witnessed.

Samuel: I’ll show you again but this time really pay attention cause my neck starts to—

Joel: No, no, no, no, please, God, no, not again. Once was–it will stay with me. It’s imprinted.

Samuel: So you did see it then?

Joel: I didn’t say I didn’t see it. What I’m saying to you if you listen is that I don’t know what it was that you just showed me.

Samuel: If you don’t know then I’m totally screwed.

Joel: Why are you totally screwed?

Samuel: Because you’re smart. You should know what that is.

Joel: I’m smart?

Samuel: Yeah, you always seem to know everything.

Joel: If I stood up right now and hurled myself through my living room window, could you explain that?

Samuel: …I’d ask why you did such a thing.

Joel: But could you explain it if I didn’t have a reason as to why I jumped through the window?

Samuel: This is getting weird.

Joel: You’re certifiably insane! I just finished telling you about my son and daughter and how good they are doing in school and you come out with this crazy ass story of seeing people as pigeons.

Samuel: Pigeon people. Yeah.

Joel: Whatever!  And now I have that shit stuck in my mind. Your stupid face walking around my house as a Goddamn pigeon.  And that stupid spastic spasm shake thing you did at the end there, I don’t know what that was but that’s all in my head now like a bad song!

Samuel: I didn’t mean to have all that stuck in your brain. I’m only really trying to find some help. You’re the only person I can trust with such a thing and you’re the only person I know who wouldn’t laugh and try to help me.

Joel: Ahhh man. You did this shit to me on purpose, right?

Samuel: I swear on the Almighty I wouldn’t want you to have—

Joel: Am I gonna see other people in my mind doing this pigeon shit now like you?

Samuel: I’ll tell you what! Look at me and I’ll do some other stuff. Let me jump around the house in different postures and it will erase what you saw.

Joel: Don’t bother—

Samuel begins jumping and spinning like a ballerina.

Samuel: Look! Look at me! Look! How is that? Is it helping?

Joel: Actually, a little I think.

In come Joel’s wife Marsha holding grocery bags.  Both men do not see her.

That’s good. It’s helping.

Samuel: Holy shit I’m actually good at these spins man!

Marsha: What the hell is going on in here?

Samuel freezes.

Joel: Oh, hey babe, uh, Samuel was showing me some new exercises for his back.

Marsha: His back?

Samuel: Uh, yeah, it’s a new spin treatment cycle type thing for—

Marsha: I got something for your back. Why don’t you two grown men bring the rest of all those groceries into the house?

Joel: Sure babe.

Joel and Samuel exit.

Marsha: (to herself) Two grown men. Absolute lunacy.


Joseph Arnone


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