Price of Admission

In this crime monologue, CONNOR is about to lay the law on a two bit crook.

CONNOR:  You little snot nosed shit bag.  I knew not to trust you from day one.  Just from the mere sight of you.  Did you actually think you could have pulled it off?  That you were more clever than me?  Did you?

(he laughs)

I mean, what world are you living in?  You told me three lies, I’m taking three toes.  You will be amazed how important a single toe manages the way you walk.  Since you will be losing three toes, I’m fairly certain your walk will change drastically. Every step you take will serve you as a reminder of the turd you truly are and how you shouldn’t try to be sneaky and strategic if you don’t have the brain capacity to back it up.

(dog barks)

Easy, Chewie, easy boy…Chewie’s hungry.  Don’t feed him for days and he loves good old fashioned peanut butter.  He could eat it by the pound.  Now, I know I said three toes.  That’s just a figure of speech. Chewie here, he may go for half of a whole foot.  It’s really up to him but luckily today, I bought his favorite brand…Skippy.  He’s not really too big on Jif, we tried the Jif, we also tried out the, oh, what do you call it, Smuckers, he doesn’t go in for any of that organic taste, hates the blandness.  But Skippy’s his brand.  Chewie is yippy for Skippy.  (to dog) Ain’t ya boy?!  (dog barks)  I’ve seen him work a fella up all the way to his knee before I called Chewie off.  One things for sure, I never saw Chewie walk away from a meal.

(he laughs)

I mean, holy shit, that’s funny.  Look, I give you props for thinking you can get over on me…the entertainment was worth the price of admission, it really was…I almost don’t want to take a few toes but I love my dog and Chewie’s hungry, so…

Joseph Arnone


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