Pride Comes Before A Fall is a comedic monologue. MARTY shares the true story of how he moved out one of his friends and paid the ultimate price.
MARTY: I’m trying to help her move her things, up and down, up and down all freaking day. I mean the staircase was so high, you thought you were walking up to God.
Now, I’m not the fittest of the bunch, okay? I mean, really but I can hold my own. I still got some gusto in the kicker but I never expected anything like I experienced.
She says to me, she says, (imitating her voice) “Marty, it’ll just be a few items, a few really light boxes, that’s all.” That’s all? That’s all my ass.
After I climbed Mount Everest for the first time, I figured alright, this is gonna suck, just by instinct I knew but what’s a few boxes, right?
When she showed me the room with the boxes, I kid you not, there were five stacks going across and five going up. Do the math. Twenty-five boxes!
So, I looked at her and she says, “This will be quick, they’re all pretty light.”
Now, there comes a time in a man’s life when he needs to admit he’s out of his ballpark. This was that time for me. So, you know what I did? I nodded and acted like it was no problem because my manhood stood in the way. Imagine? I couldn’t show this beautiful woman that I was some weakling.
Now, the first box was a breeze and I said to myself, if all the other boxes were like this, I can manage, despite the stairs, I can pull it off, but no. There was a box…must have been halfway through, that I reached, it weighed like a dead person. I swear to God, it was like lifting dead weight.
So, I went for the others first. Common sense, right? So, there I am, up and down, up and down and by now I’m dripping with sweat, I have a stiff neck, my back is mangled and I sprained my ankle on one of the trips, so I was hiding a limp.
I make it to the final box…the heavy box and I couldn’t even budge it. I was burnt out. Absolutely, exhausted. She comes in and offers me some lemon aid and she was so excited I was on my last box that I had to at least try, right?
I lifted this thing up and onto my shoulder and it actually made me gag. I almost fainted. Felt all the blood rush to my face and everything and I could barely breathe but there she was standing at the door with this big smile on her face…so, I just had to make it happen.
I could barely stand, let alone walk, okay? It was like I was holding up the building. I swear. I take my first step and my leg just goes wooble, wooble, wooble, literally. It actually went back and forth like I was doing a dance move and she starts laughing like I was making a joke and so I went along with it, all the while dying on the inside.
I walk out of the room and reach the top of the stairs and I’m looking down. I don’t even think I’m breathing anymore at this point. All I remember was my eyes, I had sweat going into my eyes and I was squinting, could barely see and that was it, my body gave out but it wasn’t like, “Oh, let me put the box down and take a break.” It was more like as if I intentionally threw myself down the freaking stairs for a suicide attempt. I fell forward, holding the box, straight down into hell. Couldn’t even protect myself, nothing, just closed my eyes and waited.
Bing, bang, boom, boom, bing, bang. I’m at the bottom of the stairs looking up at the ceiling waiting for the clouds to part and to casually leave my body.
She’s at the top of the stairs and she says, “Marty, are you alright?!”
I remember talking but no words came out. I remember thinking, “Yeah, I’m fine, just a slip, don’t worry about it.” But no words came out.
That was the last thing I remember before waking up here, in the hospital.