In Road Trip Going North To Nowhere, YANOS sits in passenger seat aiming his gun at BLANE, who sits in the driver’s seat. Serio-Comedy. 2 Men, 1 Woman.
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Road Trip Going North To Nowhere
(Car. Night. Two Men.)
Blane: I know, I know this was going to happen. I didn’t try to run away, doesn’t that count for something?
Blane: Okay. So, how does this work?
Yanos: Start the car and drive.
(Blane starts car and drives.)
Blane: Which way do you want me to go?
Blane: Oookay. (beat) I mean, it really wasn’t the worst thing in the world that I did, right? I mean, surely there’s something we can work out. I’m willing to do anything but die. You follow? So, um, if you want to physically harm me, maybe deform me, that’s fine…assault me, I can live with that to some degree…as long as you don’t kill me, is all I’m saying. Please don’t kill me.
Yanos: I want you to stop talking.
Blane: Oookay. Okay, that’s fine. I won’t say another word.
If you’re gonna kill me can I at least call my wife and tell her I love her and say goodbye. Not goodbye, goodbye cause I know if you’re gonna kill me that I don’t want to actually tell her I’m gonna die but a goodbye like my own private goodbye. You follow? Just want to hear her voice, one last time. Last time we spoke, I treated her really badly, like a real loser and I, I really can’t part ways with her like that…I’d like to end on a good note, if possible. Entirely up to you, of course.
Yanos: Where is your phone?
Blane: Ummm, here…(digging in his pocket, handing phone to Yanos) Here you go, her name is under Cuddles, yeah I know but she’s an expert cuddler, so…just push on that name and…
(phone rings on speaker)
Cuddles: What’s up, asshole?
Blane: Oh hey, hey, ah…how’s it going?
Cuddles: Where have you been for the last three days you stupid piece of shit? We’re out of baby diapers and food.
Blane: Oh, um, yeah, right, I’ll, I’m just on a road trip going north, so I won’t be home this evening.
Cuddles: Road trip going north? WHAT?!
Blane: Oooh shit, uh, well, yeah I should have told you.
Cuddles: Where the f’ck are you?
Blane: I’m in the car, driving.
Cuddles: Who are you with?
Blane: Myself, oh, just me.
Cuddles: North where? Where are you driving and why?
Blane: Just wanted to clear my mind.
Cuddles: How can you leave me and Dylan here for three days all alone and then tell me you are on some stupid road trip?!
Cuddles: You are a dead man!
Blane: Uh, sort of, yeah…
Cuddles: You are a dead man, you hear me?
Blane: Ummm, I love you.
Blane: I love you. Just wanted to say—
Cuddles: SCUMBAG, I hope you die!!
Blane: Times are tough right now but I, uh, I want you to know, I’m sorry for everything and I love you and Dylan very much. I can’t talk now but just remember, just remember.
(Blane hangs up phone)
Oh man, that was, I was hoping for a much different sort of lullaby ending.
Yanos: That bitch sounds crazy.
Blane: Mmm yeah, you should try living with her, actually, try having a kid with her, too. Wooh!
Yanos: How do you deal with that?
Blane: She’s always yelling. She’s a tough cookie. She’s got a big heart though, for sure, but it gets crazy every now and then, more often than not actually. (he laughs) Mind if I blow pop?
Yanos: Blow pop?
Blane: Yeah, it’s the lollipops with the gum in the center. Love ’em. Can’t get enough of ’em. Calms my nerves. Want one?
Yanos: I never had one before.
Blane: Oh, man, you should try one, they’re really good and it’s actually therapeutic, for me at least. It helps.
(Blane hands Yanos a blow pop)
Hope you like cherry, that’s all I seem to have left.
(both men unwrap their lollipops and begin sucking on them)
Yeah, just put it in your mouth and enjoy the flavors. Eventually, you will reach the gum. Don’t eat it because it’s not candy. That shit will lay in your belly for years like rocks.
Yanos: It’s good.
(Blane’s phone rings)
Oh shit. She’s calling me. I told you she’s intense.
Yanos: Just tell her you will see her tomorrow.
Blane: Really? Like, really, really? Is that what I should say cause it’s true or because it’s a lie?
Yanos: Just tell her that.
Blane: Ookay. (answers his phone) Heeey, honey.
Cuddles: I’ve already called my brothers! When you get home they will be waiting for you with bats to beat you down so bad you will be in a coma for years, you piece of shit.
Blane: Why would you call your brothers?
Cuddles: I want to see you bleed!
Blane: Cuddles, don’t you think you are taking this—
Cuddles: Don’t you DARE call me cuddles. You’re not cuddling anybody anymore!
(Cuddles hangs up phone)
Blane: Hello? Hello? Shit. I’m dead. Listen, honestly, just, we might as well pull over right here on the side of the road. It’s dark enough. Just put a bullet in my head. I’ll be fine. Really. Take the car back to town. It’s probably best.
Blane: Because now she’s got her brothers involved and they’re all absolutely nuts and they will do me much harm.
Yanos: What kind of harm?
Blane: Oh no, she means what she says. They will probably break my legs again. It’s what they did last time. They tied me up and dropped cinder blocks on my shins.
Yanos: And these are your brother-in-laws?
Yanos: They crazy.
Blane: Yeah. I can’t really blame them. They had a tough upbringing and all. The whole family is entirely nuts. So, it’s in their genes to begin with so really, it makes sense. You should see my daughter Dylan, yeah, she takes after her Mom, so it’s probably best I get taken out of the equation, anyway.
Yanos: But you are the man.
Blane: Ha! Doesn’t matter if I was God.
Yanos: This is wrong. You need to go back there and teach these people who you are.
Blane:…Naaah, not really. After you kind of been lit up on fire and drowned and a bunch of other wild tales you wouldn’t even begin to believe, it’s just not worth it.
Yanos: I cannot let you go out this way. This cannot be. Turn the car around.
Yanos: Turn this car around now!
Blane: But I thought you were killing me.
Blane: But this whole time.
Yanos: Turn this car around!
(Blane slams on the breaks, puts car in park and runs out the car)
(Yanos chases after him.)
(A foot chase ensues. Yanos eventually catches up to Blane and hits him in back of the head with his gun. Blane falls face down on the ground but isn’t knocked out)
Yanos: (catching his breath) What is wrong with you?!
Blane: This is perfect! Please! Right here! Right now! Just shoot me. Put one round in my forehead and it will all be over with. I can die a happy man.
Yanos: I have no intention of killing you now. You must be a man and face your fears.
Blane: Just kill me!
Yanos: You need to take responsibility for your life. For your daughter, Dylan. You need to be a better husband!
Blane: Why are you siding with them? You are no better than they are!
Yanos: Listen to me you low life shitbag. You aren’t going to die, not tonight and not by her brothers. You are going to man up and be something in your life. Death is the easy way out. I’m not going to make it easy for you. You will suffer much more by staying alive. And I want you to suffer! Ha ha! Suffer and live and enjoy your miserable life like the rest of us!
Blane: You really let me down.
Yanos: Get up. Let’s go back to the car and drive back to town.
Blane: Oh, alright, have it your way. Total downer.