Running for Burgers

In comedy monologue, Running For Burgers, Helena is drunk and at a house party.  She stops the DJ from spinning and gathers everyone to make an announcement.

HELENA:  Hi everybody, hi.  (calmly) Hi, hi, good evening…I’d just like a moment of silence to make an announcement.  My therapist says I should talk about it, in order to release my emotions, rather than keep things in all the time, so…

You may be wondering what a gentle, quiet, friendly girl like myself is doing here…well, I know I come across as meek and kind but there’s something about me that is crying out, from inside.  Everyday, just screaming out for attention.

Would you all like to know where the cause of my torment, agony and pain stems from?

(robustly)  Bacon!  I need bacon and cheese and GREASE and candy and soda and mmm mmm mmm going down to my tummy and mmm mmm mmm filling me up, so warm and fluffy and filling and yummy and tasty and GOOD!

(everyone cheers)


(calmly) There it is, that’s what’s up, people…I can eat any man under the table, cause I run for burgers ya’ll.  I run, so I can stuff my face and I love it.  I do, I love it.  I am proud to be who I am, I make no apologies and I love it!

Joseph Arnone


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