Sack And Crack

In this monologue, BRUCE calls his friend with an emergency regarding his most precious jewels.  It appears that a “situation” has occurred and dear old Bruce needs some assistance with his challenge.  He phones his best friend to help him remove the remaining piece of wax cloth from his gooch and nutsack.  Yeah, read on….

BRUCE: (Bruce, sits in a chair in EXTREME DISCOMFORT. He wears a robe with his legs hoisted up on the table before him. A long piece of cloth can be seen hanging from where Bruce sits, to the floor.  He begins talking into a phone.)

Bro, bro listen, listen, lis…can you talk?  Are you alone?  Okay, listen, I gotta problem.  I gotta serious, SERIOUS problem right now.  Okay, okay listen…you sure you’re alone?  Okay, I’m not on speaker or anything, right?  Okay, listen to me.  Listen, listen.

The other day I was watching on t.v. this show that talked about the TOP TWENTY places to go to when you’re in Vegas, okay?  Okay…somewhere in the top ten I think it was, the narrator talked about a place called BOX and it’s where people go to have, you know, the hair removed from their bodies, right?  Okay.

So, I was thinking about it because at this place, they do guys also.  Not just the hair on your back bro.  They do something called a SACK AND CRACK.  Now, you know, they pretty much remove the hair from your balls and ass crack the same way women get a Brazilian Wax.  What?  You would never get that done? That’s great but just–Listen, please, listen!  I need you to pay attention to what I’m saying, okay?

I thought about doing it for my girl or whatever but I don’t have the guts to walk into a place like that and have them do that to me so I…I, I decided to do it on my own.  I decided to give myself a SACK AND CRACK! I know man!  I know!  Listen to me, please!  Listen!  Listen!  Listen!  I went to a store that sells all that shit and I came home and I lubed myself up and I followed the directions and I grabbed hold of the cloth that I layered over the wax and, I, I pulled with all my might and I only got half way through it before collapsing!

So, I’m pretty screwed up right now as you can imagine. Which is why I am calling your ass in the middle of the day, FOR HELP!  I don’t have the strength to pull the rest of the cloth off! It’s Chinese Medieval torture type shit man!

I’m home! I’m sitting in my chair with my legs on the dining room table with a strap of cloth dangling from my gooch and balls bro!!!!  I’m bleeding from my ass crack and I’m in serious pain.  I’m hurting.

Listen, your my best friend, right?  We’re like brothers, I mean, we ARE brothers, right?  Right? Listen, as my brother, I need your help.  Your brother needs you to pull the remaining cloth off my nutsack and gooch.  Please man!  Please!  Please!  Bro, I can’t do it!  It’s like stabbing myself multiple times.  It’s too painful bro.  I can’t!  Listen, please!  I’ll pay you!

Look man, I’d do it for you!  I would do it—OH, I WOULD!  I would!  I’d cut off my arm for you, give you the shirt off my back–I’d die for you man and you know it.  Listen, Listen, just come over, close your eyes.  I will put the cloth in your hands and on the count of three I will take a deep, deep breath and all you have to do is yank real hard and we’re good.  Okay?  Okay?!

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Joseph Arnone