Slow and Painful Mudslide

J.J. has caught a man in a bear trap who has been illegally hunting on his heavily wooded property and the following monologue is what takes place next.

J.J. Big Toe From The Woods of Pookeyville:  I told you I was coming for you, you little bastard.  Did you think I was joking all this time?  HUH?!

I told you that you shouldn’t have come at me.  I told you!  I warned you!  Didn’t I?!  Didn’t I?!


I’m gonna break you apart.  Little by little, I’m going to dismantle you into little itty-bitty bits and pieces and there’s nothing you can do to get shelter.

I told you!


I gave you time, time to change your mind, backtrack your steps, time to rethink what you were stepping into, time to realize who you are going up against but you wouldn’t listen.  You (like one word) stupidstubbornbastard.  You would not heed my warnings.

Now I’m taking it all.  I’m going after the whole lot because you’ve irritated the shit out of me.

(mocking) You can run, you can try, you can plan but you will die.

There are too many missiles flying in the air now baby boy and I am sure quite a few are going to land right on the tip of your nose.  (beat)  All your friends are gonna go sailing.

(hard stare)  Oh, stop it now, stop that hollering, whimpering doodie crying.  You’re a hunter and you’ve been hunted!  Caught!  Look at ya!

(cackles with laughter)

Things were fine for you but you got greedy.  You allowed your fear to take control of you and swim into untapped waters but these are my waters, these are my rivers and streams and ponds and lakes and oceans…I run things over here, dummy.

Ever eat human ears?  Let me tell ya about that…you have nice ears and I’m gonna grill them in my travel pan nice and crispy and I got my own barbecue sauce I concocted.  Gonna dip your crispy ears into my BBQ sauce and we’re gonna have ourselves a good ole fashioned shindig.

You can try it out if you want, if you ain’t ever had some before.  Tastes like chicken…sort ah.  Maybe more like beef jerky.  But you can be the judge.  Makes for good protein.  I like protein.  Lots and lots of protein…

It’s a slow and painful mudslide now, until you…go…boom.

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Joseph Arnone