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Smooth Motion Teddy Bear Pie

Short comedic skit for two actors 1 man 1 woman.

Smooth Motion Teddy Bear Pie

Devon: Joanne, we’ve been seeing one another now for a few weeks and I need to get something off my chest.

Joanne: What’s up?

Devon: I love you.

Joanne: Oh.

Devon: Huh?

Joanne: No, that’s….

Devon: Don’t you, I mean, am I—

Joanne: No, no, it’s fine but dude it’s not like that.

Devon: Yeah but I thought—

Joanne: Dude, no, dude, dude, dude man no.  You got this one wrong brother. I’m the ass on the side, you know? Like, you are my ass on the side. Get it? That’s what this is until someone better comes along.

Devon: Better? Who?

Joanne: Anybody, really.

Devon: What the hell?

Joanne: That’s just the way it is man. Could be worse.

Devon: But I love you.

Joanne: Nah. That’s all in your mind.

Devon: No, it’s, I’m for real.

Joanne: I’m holding out and so should you.

Devon: I don’t—

Joanne: Dude, it’s chill, just roll back and chillax it kid…yeahhh, yeahhh smooth motion Teddy bear pie.

Devon: You speaking another language?

Joanne: Baby chillax brother pie it’s all good the way we been rolling chill nice, boo.

Devon: My heart is pounding. I just told you I love you.

Joanne: Yeah but you don’t. I told you. This is just for now, right? I mean, come on. You are filling my void. And I gotta tell you, thank you. It’s been good. It has. Before we met, I was lonely for a hot second, like three days of excruciating loneliness and then you popped along at that bagel joint and here we are but seriously dude, trust me, this is all gonna pass and we will fist pump one another and we’re good. (beat) Do we need to get off the gravy train ahead of schedule?

Devon: Schedule?

Joanne: Yeah man. Should we stop catching the breeze?

Devon: I’m so bummed out right now.

Joanne: It’ll pass bro.

Devon: I don’t want to be your bro!

Joanne: It’s fine. I think it’s time we kill it.

Devon: Kill?

Joanne: You and me dude. Let’s kill this shit before you start getting spastic on me. Been there, done that. The last guy started literally cry howling in public, making a scene, it got so ugly I couldn’t bare. Don’t wish to walk down that road again.

Devon: Wait! Don’t you have feelings for me? What about all those things you said to me last night in bed?

Joanne: Yeah man, I was in the moment. I mean, wasn’t it great?

Devon: Yeah, it was really great.

Joanne: Isn’t that the point? I’m a moment to moment girl.

Devon: It’s like you’re a totally different person.

Joanne: DUDE, you’re not hearing me. It’s me, Joanne. I am the same chick understand? Me, Joanne is telling you that I don’t love you back nor do I care to love you back ever for the remaining years of my life’s existence. You need to destroy and bury such thoughts in your mind.

Devon: It’s like that?

Joanne: …Yyyyeeeaah.

Devon: Okay, well, I don’t want to kill things between us.

Joanne: Oh no, but you just did. As soon as you mentioned the love word you shot yourself right in the head clean. We can’t go back now cause it will all be acting and I’m not into acting. I’m all about the next moment.

Devon: I feel, I feel like an a-hole.

Joanne: Temporary sugar plumb.

Devon: You’re so cold.

Joanne: Shiver me timbers baby. I gotta bounce now so look, when I say thank you, I really do mean thank you. I can be upset about it since I was waiting for the next jump but sometimes you gotta walk to get to the next ride.

Devon: Damn.

Joanne leaves.

Scripts

Joseph Arnone

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