Gangster monologue. NED is an Irish man who speaks with a heavy Irish accent. He’s the guy you don’t want to wake up to while being strapped to a chair.
NED: You see, I don’t ask questions, lad. Questions, bore me. I only ask one question but I don’t ask the question until I know for certain that you’re ready. I much rather go straight to the nitty gritty and then, once we reach a certain place, I’m gonna ask ya the one question that we both know you’ve been brought here to answer.
First, we’re gonna break your toes with a sledge. Not too bad none, but then, we’re gonna work our way upwards to the ankles, break them both on up to your shins and the shins is when you’re really gonna wish you weren’t here. But the real kicker, is the thighs; once we get past the thighs, you’ll lose all feeling and by the time we get to your hips, you would have shit and pissed yourself all over and the only way you’re gonna know, is by the smell of it. And then Sweet Bobby is gonna come for ya with a long fu’kin rod and he’s gonna jam that long fu’kin’ rod up your rear, until it can’t go any further and Sweet Bobby, goes deep.
If ya make it that far, there’s still hope for ya, cause that’s when I’m gonna ask ya my one and only question. And if ya answer, with the correct fu’kin answer…well then, I guess you’ll just walk your way home.
That’s how we’re gonna work ya. Even if ya gave me the right answer now, it won’t do you any good because you have to do it the way I like to do it and this is the only way that I like to do it.
So, now that I’ve explained it all to ya…(he smiles) we begin.
- Monologue Audio Sketch of Straight to the Nitty Gritty