Sun Tzu of Self-Sabotage

BIFF and SHANDA are two best friends talking about how pathetic and miserable their human existence actually is. This is serio-comedy material for 1 man and 1 woman.

BIFF: I’m so unhappy.
SHANDA: I know.
BIFF: I’m worse than yesterday.
SHANDA: And tomorrow you will be worse than today so screw it.
BIFF: I’m not living me.
SHANDA: You’re fine. Nobody is.
BIFF: Yeah but I’m depressed. Like a depression that’s this deep dark alleyway of depression where nightmares run rampant and rancid creatures lurk behind dumpsters and trash cans and, and, and it’s bad.
SHANDA: Funktified. We need action. Something that will wake us up. Something that will make us marvel at the power of our own existence.
BIFF: Sounds exhausting.
SHANDA: Everything’s tomorrow.
BIFF: Everything’s tomorrow.
SHANDA: Maybe we should face it and accept that we are losers.
BIFF: How does one accept such a thing?
SHANDA: Let it be. Give yourself over to it entirely.
BIFF: There needs to be a fight. Am I right? Some inner will power to set things right.
SHANDA: No, there doesn’t have to be. You are a bonafide loser and so am I. Maybe that’s our true greatness. We met one another to bond and become united in our misery.
BIFF: Too bad we don’t get paid for such greatness.
SHANDA: That would be phenomenal.
BIFF: I have literally mastered the art of doing nothing with my time and there should be some sort of compensation for such a skill set.
SHANDA: True.
BIFF: Am I right? I can make time go by without doing one productive thing with my day. I am like the Sun Tzu of self-sabotage.
SHANDA: Don’t leave me out cause I’m right there with you. I bet I can out invade your self-destruction.
BIFF: Don’t bother. I’ll just let you. I’m too damn lazy to move my forces against you. You can crush me into kingdom come.
SHANDA: Turdified.
BIFF: It’s in our DNA. This is how our blood moves.  I’ve tested myself.  Both socially and solo.  I’ve given myself certain objectives to be the absolute best loser I can be and in both experiments, I have proven my theory to be solid. I am the self-appointed king of no effort. The master of not giving a shit. The genius of always tomorrow, never today. I am the sound of a lobster’s air bubble screaming out from its shell, while I boil into nothingness.

(beat)

SHANDA:…I’ve never cared about anything for myself.
BIFF: All attempts have been burned right through you.
SHANDA: Burning forever and ever and ever and ever…
BIFF: I eat candy. Drink beer. Eat steak. Potato chips. I never walk. I sit. I play video games. Sweep me in a corner of dirt.
SHANDA: Bonafide.  Just once.  You know?
BIFF: Once would be special.
SHANDA: It would be. It really, really would be Biff. (beat) Just once.
BIFF: Once.
SHANDA: Imagine?
BIFF: Each day.
SHANDA: One time.
BIFF: One time. For you.
SHNADA: And you.
BIFF: Not for me. Too late for me. Only you.
SHANDA: Why me?
BIFF: Because you are the most beautiful person I have ever known.
SHANDA: Don’t make me cry.
BIFF: I won’t. But it’s true. You are glory.
SHANDA: Glorified.
BIFF: That’s right. I’m just…well…I love you…
SHANDA: …I love you, too.

Joseph Arnone

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