The Crop Duster

In this comedy monologue, BUSTER recounts the story of how an elderly man “blew wind” in his face, while walking past him in a bookstore.

BUSTER WHO GOT CROP DUSTED:  I never in my life had someone fart point blank in my face, until yesterday.  I’m in a used bookstore, kneeling down on one knee, reaching for some books, when in comes the old man, like seventy-eight, streaming down the aisle in stealth mode.

Suddenly, he barely stops before me and blatantly farts.  I mean, it was like he could have blown the dust off the books I was holding, okay?  Right in my face, direct hit!  And he keeps on gliding by like it never happened.

I was in such shock that my jaw dropped wide open and I caught his ass in my mouth.  So, now I’m standing, walking backwards, rolling my tongue around the inside of my mouth, trying to get the stench out of it, like my tongue would actually sponge the fart out of my mouth or something.  I cough myself into a phlegm and have to spit.  Didn’t have any napkins or tissues on me, so I had to make my way to the restroom with a wad of fart spit in my mouth.

Karma.  I do believe in it and I must say that it was kind to me.  I walk into the bathroom and who do I see just stepping into the shitter…the old man! He sits on the bowl, I spit out the fart and I listen in until I hear him going for the toilet paper.  Just as he’s about to wipe his ass, I flick the light switch off!  BOOYAA!!  You ever hear of dark dining?  How about a little dark wiping?  (beat)  Not my proudest moment, but the old bastard farted in my mouth.

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Joseph Arnone