In this comedic monologue, Dana is listening to her girlfriend’s new love interest with hidden disgust and apparent loneliness.
DANA: When you sent me those pictures, HOLY SHIT, he is JUUUUUUUICY. Does he look like that in person? Does he? Does he? HE DOES?! Wow, that’s incredible, I gotta get me a swede. What online dating site did you use? hahaha. Oh…you met in person…by chance…at the laundry…he asked to borrow detergent, of course. (beat) So, what happened? How was your date?
HE DID WHAT? WHAT?! No, he didn’t. Get out of here. ARE YOU SERIOUS? You’re serious! Holy shit. Well, that’s a little border line fun slash nutjob slash charming slash don’t know what to think…How did you take that? Oh yeah? Really? Oh, okay, GOOD then, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD. No, no, that’s great! Hey, if your, hey, if you know, if you guys click like that, maybe that’s what you need, you know? You feel whole? Oh yeah? Oh, wow. Awwwwww, that’s so sweet.
(she makes a throw up face)
Awwwww, that’s sooooo, sooooo—soooo nice. Yeah. Hmmm. Happy you found someone. You deserve it. Yes, you do. You do. But, you do. You do. You do. yeah. You do. No, no…YOU DO.
(puts her finger in her mouth sarcastically)
Oh, go ahead, darling. Yeah babe, we will talk later. Oh, your going out with–oh! haha. Good. Have fun. Well look, we’ll just, YEAH, just call me over the…SUNDAY. Sunday is great. Yeah. Who me? Oh, me? I’m gonna call Lara and Myrtle and THE GIRLS. Yeah, we’re going to sugar it up at ‘Sugars’ baby. Yeah, yeah, you know how we do. Before that I’m gonna go do some laundry! Maybe find me a swedish man, too! Ha! Okay now, talk later. Bye-Bye.
(beat – to herself in one fast sentence)
Swedish man my ass at the laundry bitch you crazy!