The Relativity of Kombucha

Jimmy comes home after being at the store and shares a funny story with his girl over a strange guy who helped him at the supermarket.

The Relativity of Kombucha

Jimmy: Holy shit.

Maria: What?

Jimmy: I thought I’d never get out of there alive.

Maria: What happened now?

Jimmy: I asked the right one let me tell you.

Maria: Who?

Jimmy: At the store. I asked this worker there for that Kambucha drink you wanted me to get.

Maria: Kombucha.

Jimmy: Right. So, I ask one of the workers and of course I ask the right guy. First off, the guy is looking at me like I had two heads when I ask him, “Where can I find Kambucha?”

Maria: Kombucha.

Jimmy: Yeah, yeah, yeah –and he starts typing in his phone and starts walking away from me like he’s Sherlock Holmes on a mission. He’s looking up and down the shelves in the soda and tea isle and he’s making these private mental calculations. Then he asks me if it’s cold.  I mean, yeah, it’s cold I tell him. So, he takes me over to the produce section and there it is.

Maria: Alright, so you got it.

Jimmy: You don’t understand. After I thank the guy he decides to go on a talking spree about how he figured out where to find it. So, now we’re standing there, in front of the Kambucha—


Jimmy: Alright, alright and all I want to do is grab it and go but I got this moron explaining to me how he figured out where it was.

Maria: No.

Jimmy: Yeah! He’s going on like he’s reinventing Einstein’s theory and I’m staring at the guy and nodding, staring at the guy and nodding, waiting for him to finish but he would not let it go. So I started dropping “Yeahs” on him. I was like, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you, glad we found it. Yeah, yeah.  I have it now. It’s good I can grab the Kam or Kombucha now. Yeah, yeah, yeah for God’s sake.” But he was NOT getting the hint. I was like, “Should I tip this a-hole or what?” Right? Marie, it was like I was witnessing the smartest stupid person alive. He was like the genius of stupid people. (imitating the guy) “First, I went on Google and quickly figured out what the word meant and from there I quickly asked you if it was a warm or cold item, which then narrowed down my search because if it was cold, it was more likely to be in produce, near the organic juice section.” (beat) I kid you not, I almost broke out into applause for the guy after he gave his Ted Talk.  Finally, and please, don’t get mad at me but I told him to take a lap.

Maria: What lap?

Jimmy: Around the store.

Maria: You didn’t!

Jimmy: I had to. I said, “Go take a lap, alright?  You found it, congratulations, go tell the world.”

(Maria bursts out laughing)

I swear. But then I said I was joking and he laughed and that’s when I grabbed the Kombucha and split.

Maria: Damn.

Jimmy: Yeah. He must be new.

Maria: Jimmy, you shouldn’t be like that, he was helping you.

Jimmy: Yeah. Help me, move on. Don’t help me and talk about the relativity of finding Kombucha, based on the path you took through Google, combined with gravity, footsteps and the speed of light that flew up his ass, passing the broccoli..which equals wasting my time.

Maria: You’re crazy.

Jimmy: Yeah, well, maybe I am. Maybe I’m the moron.

Maria: Thanks for getting it for me.

Jimmy: Yeah, no problem baby.


Joseph Arnone


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