The Whole Package

In the comedy monologue The Whole Package, Anda talks to her girlfriend about her frustration with dating men.

ANDA:  That’s it.  I’ve had it with men!  I am going for women.  The way I see it is that if men aren’t going to give me satisfaction, perhaps a woman can.  I’m done.  I don’t care anymore.  I’ve had it.

John sucks in bed.  He is great in every which way possible.  But in bed he is dead.  It’s like making love to a coffin.  No joke.  Pathetic.  He expects me to do all the work, which I do in order to have movement but it is soooo exhausting and sooooo irritating.  He just leans back like the King and watches.  It’s like trying to start a car that keeps stalling.  (imitating stalling car) Pff!  Pff!  Pff!

I meet them all, really, I do.  I always think I meet some great guy but after a few months I find a flaw.  Who has the temper, who is too controlling, who’s too laid back, who is broke and the latest, who sucks in bed.  I can’t seem to find the right man with the whole package.

Why can’t I just meet a man, who is drop dead handsome, comes from money, has a hilarious personality, will simply adore me, gives me my freedom and is incredible in bed?  Do those kind of men exist?  Have they ever existed?

I am yet to meet a man like that.  The mysteries of life.


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Joseph Arnone