These Pretty Blinking Lights

In drama monologue These Pretty Blinking Lights, BEN is going through a self talk of doubting his ability to reach his dreams.

BEN:  My brain, sometimes it feels like it’s been cracked a long time ago and never fully recovered.  I’ve always felt like I have something missing, like there’s one piece missing, lost, that would complete the puzzle that is my life and I don’t know if it can ever be recovered, the wholeness of what it once was…

I try though, I fight so damn hard, to rework my brain, to get it thinking right, to get all the circuitry functioning properly, trying to connect all the pretty blinking lights.

I remember, the impact, right here…(touches left side of his head)…when I was a boy…it did something, it jolted a screw out of place…I recall the echo in my eyes, this high-pitched whistle and how the world looked so wide and closed and wide and closed…this pressure of warm volcanic liquid seething and seeping inside my jaw and flowing ever so gently and warmly and freely and beautifully as, as, as…

Ohhhh, how I wish it wouldn’t be so…how I wish I could be a great man, instead of a beggar of dreams.  How I wish to make my family proud of me and the woman I love look up to me…how I wish it would rain and wash away all my turmoil…spoiled…this is what I am…disrupted goods that could have been something magical…a dream…a flight over golden harbors that could have whispered so pleasantly to the world’s people something enchanting…

This life I live…I ask where is God.  I feel the presence…I feel God in me but why do I suffer so much God?  Why?  Why?

All I want to do is give this world all of my heart.  I want to make this world better before I go.

Then, I will rest my gifts and only until then…then, this dream can stop breathing…


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