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Time To Go To Work

Time To Go To Work is a short comedy skit for 2 guys with a running time of 7 minutes.  Carlos and John are best of friends who share an apartment together.

John saunters into the living room.

CARLOS:  There he is, Mr. Mope, where ya been?

JOHN:  Where you been?

CARLOS:  Looking at you, Mopey.

JOHN:  Stop with that already, will ya?

CARLOS:  What?

JOHN:  The whole mope thing, it’s gettin’ old.

CARLOS:  But I told ya, that’s your new name from now on.

JOHN:  I don’t like it.

CARLOS:  Don’t matter if you don’t like it mope, if you don’t smile, you’re moped up.

JOHN:  I don’t wanna be moped up.

CARLOS:  So, smile.  (beat)  Les Miserablio.

JOHN:  I’m not miserable, I’m happy.

CARLOS:  Happy?

JOHN:  You going deaf or what?

CARLOS:  How is a miserable face like yours, happy?  Explain…

JOHN:  This is how God made my face, alright?  I’m happy.

CARLOS:  This is you, happy?

JOHN:  Keep pissing me off, Carlo.

CARLOS:  See?  You ain’t happy.

JOHN:  I am happy but you’re making me mad!

CARLOS:  Wow, up and down and all around.

JOHN:  Stop with the whole mope thing, alright?  And if I am sad, let me be sad.

CARLOS:  What you so sad about?

JOHN:  Sad that I gotta live with you and how you torture me.

CARLOS:  Oh, stop.

JOHN:  Every morning you gotta wake me up.  Why can’t you just let me sleep?

CARLOS:  Cause no one should sleep like you sleep.  You go to the last drop.

JOHN:  I work nights!

CARLOS:  Don’t matter.  You should be up with the rest of society.

JOHN:  I get home at eight in the morning, Carlo.

CARLOS:  And?

JOHN:  I gotta sleep.  I can’t have you pulling on my ears and toes waking me up.

CARLOS:  I bring you coffee and everything.

JOHN:  It don’t matter, you’re just selfish.

CARLOS:  Selfish?  How am I selfish?

JOHN:  Cause you just care about yourself.  You get up with the birds and expect me to join you in the morning.  Go find somebody else to talk to and that’s another thing, you talk and talk and talk and my brain feels like it’s splitting into pieces and your breath is atrocious, you don’t even brush and when you combine your shit breath with your shit coffee, it’s like a stink bomb going off in the living room, in fact the whole house, the whole house smells like your dirty ass.  I can’t even keep my eyes open as it is and with the stench forget it, all I can do is squint.

CARLOS:  Squint?  What’s a squint?

JOHN:  Squint, squint, Carlo, squint.

CARLOS:  I heard you and I’m asking what does the word mean?

JOHN:  You don’t know what the word squint means?

Carlo gives John a look.

It means you’re a moron, is what it means.

CARLOS:  What does it mean?

JOHN:  It’s when you have to close your eye lids a little bit cause something’s stinging them.

CARLOS:  And my coffee is why you make that stupid face each morning?

JOHN:  Your breath!  Your breath!  It’s like you’re lighting a match between my eyelashes.

CARLOS:  All this time I thought something was wrong with you.

JOHN:  With what?

CARLOS:  The faces you make in the morning…like you’re constipated or something.  Thought you had some kind of condition.

JOHN:  Yeah, it’s called Breath Avoidance Condition, alright?

CARLOS:  You don’t like the way I make coffee or what?

JOHN:  Stop waking me up!  Don’t you understand what I’m saying to you?

CARLOS:  What am I supposed to do?  I get bored.  You’re my go to source for entertainment.

JOHN:  Start with brushing your teeth and then go read a book.  Watch tv, go for a walk, go rub one out, just leave me the hell alone already.

CARLOS:  I do brush.

JOHN:  No way.

CARLOS:  Nah, I do, I do.

JOHN:  I can’t believe I am having a discussion about your breath right now but listen to me, that toothbrush you have, what is it ninety years old or what?

CARLOS:  My toothbrush?  I don’t know, only a few years or so…

JOHN:  What?!  Come on, man.

CARLOS:  Yeah, why, what’s the—

JOHN:  Carlo, you’re supposed to get a new toothbrush every so often.

CARLOS: A few years isn’t so often?

JOHN:  No wonder that thing looks stiff as a board.  Your toothbrush looks like it’s been handed down to you from your Grandfather.

CARLOS:  Alright, so I’ll change it.  No big deal.

JOHN:  Today, change it today, before one of us dies.

CARLOS:  Yeah, yeah.  So what do you wanna do now?

JOHN:  I wanna go to sleep, I worked overtime and I’m shot.  I’m gonna sleep and you will wanna go to the store to buy yourself a brand spanking new toothbrush.

CARLOS:  Alright…but you don’t like my coffee none?

JOHN:  Horrible.  Worst coffee I ever tasted in my entire life.  It’s like drinking poison.

CARLOS:  I make good coffee, you’re out of your mind.

JOHN:  Your coffee gives me the runs…I literally have a cup and then for the next twelve hours, any food that I’ve consumed leaks out of me with no filter, which is why I’ve been losing weight and refuse to drink anymore of that disgusting mud you make…just thinking about it makes me wanna bust a grumpy.

CARLOS:  What’s a better brand?

JOHN:  How about NO BRAND?

CARLOS:  Oh, so you’re the coffee genius?

JOHN:  I can make great coffee, even if I have to squint.

CARLOS:  So you make it!

JOHN:  I will when I wake up from my sleep.  Going to bed so don’t wake me up in an hour and annoy me.  Don’t.  When I get up in a few hours, I’ll show you how not to kill anybody making coffee and that should give you enough time to go deep with the new toothbrush and get that mouth nice and minty.  God knows what you have going on in there and get some floss sticks too cause really, you’re like Venom spitting out bacterial fungus when you talk and when it lands it burns.  So, yeah, scrub it hard, maybe stop off at the hardware store and pick yourself up a mallet chisel combo for some of that plaque.  Pound those puppies out and wear a hard hat, you never know if—

CARLOS:  Alright, alright, alright—

JOHN:  You may need a jackhammer…ha, ha, ha!  Maybe I should wear ear plugs while I sleep.  Ha, ha, ha.

CARLOS:  Ha, ha, ha!

JOHN:  Okay, good luck with that.  Goodnight!

CARLOS:  You’re crazy, man.

JOHN:  Time to go to work.

Joseph Arnone

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