Today Is The Day

Today Is The Day is a short comedic scene. BARB and MARLO, a married couple of some two thousand plus years and the trivial ongoings of their life together.

Today Is The Day

Barb: Milk, bread, olives, eggs—
Marlo: Hold on, you goin’ too fast, can’t write that—
Barb: Well, hurry up. MILK, BREAD—
Marlo: Come on, I got that already. I’m up to the eggs—
Barb: Making me lose my train of thought now. Read it to me.
Marlo: (sighs) Milk, bread, olives and eggs so far—
Barb: Add toothpaste, ginger ale, butter, apples, pears, cucumbers—
Marlo: What came after apples?
Barb: PEARS!
Marlo: And then what?
Barb: Pears and and then cucumbers. Pay attenion or you’re gonna screw the whole thing up at the store.
Marlo: Go slower, I said.
Barb: Tin foil, peanut butter, oranges, grapes, soap–
Marlo: Can’t you just give me the list in sections? I’m gona to be running all over the store following this list you’re giving me.
Barb: What’s wrong with you? Figure it out yourself from what’s on the list.
Marlo: I don’t understand you. If you’re calling out grapes and oranges, why do you jump from that to soap and then back to apples and pears?
Barb: I call it as it comes to me. Why are you making this difficult? We’ve been doing this for sixty years!
Marlo: And that’s why it needs to stop! Today. Today it needs to stop.
Barb: And what’s so special may I ask about TODAY?
Marlo: Today is…
Barb: What?
Marlo: Today is the day that I don’t lose five pounds swinging around the store like a schmuck-o. Got it? Today is the day that I want things organized.
Barb: You waited sixty years to get that off your chest honey?
Marlo: Don’t start!
Barb: Are you done being an ass?  You want to take down the items that we need or not?
Marlo: Only if you compartmentalize it.
Barb: If I had the strength, I’d bop you a good one on the side of your head. I nice BOP!
Marlo: (Sighs) Bread, milk, olives, eggs, toothpaste, ginger ale, butter, apples, pears, cucumbers, tin foil, peanut butter, oranges, grapes, soap and what else does the giant ass have to get?
Barb: The ass has to get cranberries, liquid tide and peanuts.
Marlo: Peanuts.
Barb: Peanuts.
Marlo: Peanuts.
Barb: Peanuts! Peanuts! What’s wrong with you?
Marlo: You forgot I almost died eating peanuts last week?
Barb: Who?
Marlo: I choked in the kitchen, fell over on the table…nothing?
Barb: You didn’t tell me you choked last week.
Marlo: Of course I did, I almost died on those stupid peanuts you make me buy.
Barb: Well, get them because it extends your health.
Marlo: I’m going! I’m going now. Is that it?
Barb: You go so fast I can’t remember. Read it all back to me.
Marlo: I rather eat this paper before reading it all back to you.
Barb: Go! You’ll be going back for whatever we left out.
Marlo: Fine!
Barb: Fine!

Joseph Arnone


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