What Do You Do?

In this monologue, PICKLE talks to a woman he meets on a sidewalk while waiting for a bus.  She asks him what he does for a living and this is his response.

PICKLE:  I fart around all day, everyday and enjoy it so much.  I criticize other people with the utmost consistency.  Whenever I talk about anything it’s always with pessimistic undertones and negative overtones.  Sarcasm is my closest friend.

I shower once a week.  I wear the same clothes until they smell, usually in the armpit area.  Sometimes, I’ll skip a day without brushing my teeth…I eat once a day cause I’m too lazy to actually cook but I rock snacks.  I drown myself in coffee morning, noon and night.  Taking a piss somehow makes me feel like I’ve achieved something for the day.  Taking a dump is like the rolls-royce of achievements for me.  I also drink beer and wine to really travel through the rabbit hole and when I combine that with some (inhales with his hand like smoking) greenery, there is no telling what kind of shit goes on at my place.  Utter naked insanity.

I don’t talk to anyone, really…on the phone or in person cause it bores me to death and wastes my time from wasting my time.  Like, talking to you right now is already about to expire.

I get down about being such an underachiever but do have sporadic perks when I convince myself that I matter…I am the king of bullshitting myself and blaming others for my lack of success and progress as a human being.

Ummm, yeah, that pretty much sums me up.

How about you?  What do you do?

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Joseph Arnone

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