This woman made me rethink who I was.
In the serio-comedy scene from Nine Times Out of Ten, Andy talks to Ishi about a customer he helped at his job that made him feel “off”.
ISHI: Who was the woman?
ANDY: Some customer in the shop.
ISHI: Is she a regular?
ANDY: Eh, I’ve seen her ’round before.
ISHI: Next time she comes in, will you call me?
ANDY: For what?
ISHI: I want to confront her.
ANDY: No, don’t be silly.
ISHI: Will you call me when?
ANDY: No…of course not.
ISHI: I’d like to fight her in the parking lot.
ANDY: What are you saying?
ISHI: I’m saying that I’d like to fight this woman.
ANDY: Are you alright?
ISHI: What does she look like?
ANDY: I’m not answering that.
ISHI: Just tell me.
ANDY: Stop it, Ish.
ISHI: See?
ANDY: What? See what?
ISHI: You don’t let me take care of things.
ANDY: But why do you always wanna turn things into savagery?
ISHI: Why did you bother telling me any of this then?
ANDY: I didn’t tell you so you can go out and start a war.
ISHI: But she hurt you, right?
ANDY: Yes, but that’s different.
ISHI: How is that different, Andy?
ANDY: Cause it’s not physical.
ISHI: It’s emotional, which is worse…emotional hurts more.
ANDY: Yeah, but I’m over it now; I’ve accepted who I am.
ISHI: No, you’re allowing some stranger to dictate who you are based on her own lousy opinion of you, based on a quick and random exchange you’ve both had.
ANDY: But I checked the facts.
ISHI: What facts? There are no facts, Andy.
ANDY: This woman made me rethink who I was, and what I found out was that what she said was accurate.
ISHI: Nonsense. You keep telling yourself that ’cause what that woman said about you is completely false and mean. You’re just a person. We’re all just people. We’re all just weird, wacky, imperfect people. Who cares? That’s what makes our species interesting, Andy! Imagine if we were all carbon copies? All programmed with the same personality and physicality? Wouldn’t you rather be OFF than the SAME?
ANDY: You’re agreeing with her?
ISHI: Huh?
ANDY: Do you think what she said is what I am?
ISHI: You are off! I’m off! My neighbor is off. My dog is off. Everybody’s off. Don’t you see that?
ANDY: How long did you know I was off for?
ISHI: Since the day I met you.
ANDY: But what clued you into it?
ISHI: I have no idea. You’re you. What difference does it make?
ANDY: I want to know what it is about me that makes people think I’m unstable.
ISHI: You’re not unstable.
ANDY: Off is unstable!
ISHI: I think we all have our own individual, special way of being off. It’s no big deal.
ANDY: Well, if it’s no big deal, tell me what my special thing is?
ISHI: You tend to repeat yourself.
ANDY: What else?
ISHI: Sometimes you fall into a trance-like state. You stare at things. Like, we’ve gone to the candy store a bunch of times, and you’ll get lost staring at the chocolate bars, and it’s the same Snickers, Mars bars, Milky Ways, and you stare at it like you’ve only just discovered their existence. That’s off.
ANDY: What else?
ISHI: You mope.
ANDY: Mope?
ISHI: …as if you are in some kind of despair.
ANDY: Anything else?
ISHI: That covers it.
ANDY: I knew about the staring bit, but the moping and the repeating stuff, I wasn’t wise to it.
ISHI: Now you know.
ANDY: Yeah…
(long pause.)
Andy gets another beer from the carton.
It’s a shame.
ISHI: Pass me another.
Andy passes Ishi a beer.
They drink.
ANDY: …I don’t know who I am…if I only knew who I was, I could be better…
ISHI: You’re Andy. Andy is a thirty-year-old who works at a convenience shop. He drives an old, beat-up Honda. He owns a turtle named Gus. He has no parents, no girlfriend, no siblings. He likes to read. He inherited a house. He’s quiet, friendly and his best friend is me, Ishi.
ANDY: Is that all?
ISHI: I think so.
ANDY: Is that all I’ll ever be?
ISHI: Maybe.
ANDY: I like comic books.
ISHI: You do?
ANDY: I like pistachio ice cream and old movies from the forties.
ISHI: You do.
ANDY: I stare up at the stars a lot…almost every night, weather permitting.
ISHI: I didn’t know that.
ANDY: …I like your smile, Ishi… I like who you are.
- To read the full one-act ePlay, find purchase link below:
In the one-act eplay Nine Times Out of Ten, Andy talks to his best friend Ishi about how a customer in the shop he works at called him “off” and he can’t seem to shake the truth of it. 1 Woman, 1 Man. Serio-comedy.
