What the hell are you doing here?
In serio-comedy scene script, “The Horror of Hubert Holloway” Romney shows up at his best friend Hubert’s house but is no longer welcome.
Hubert chuckles to himself as if he is listening to someone speak from another room.
He occasionally looks over to his bedroom as if he is going to respond to what he alone hears.
Enter ROMNEY through the front door.
Romney is loud, obnoxious, and has no self-awareness.
ROMNEY: PUB TIME! (heads straight for the fireplace) It’s f’cking beyond brisk out there, let me tell you. I know you have the skin of a bear to keep you warm, but I highly, HIGHLY recommend you wear your winter’s finest furs. My hands nearly froze stiff just on the walk over. (opens and closes his hand) Barely. Whew! And hey, I kid you not, thought I saw a frozen horse. Couldn’t quite make it out there in the distance ’cause of the snow. But I sh’t you not, it looked like Maggie Anne’s f’cking horse frozen dead.
HUBERT: Maggie Anne?
ROMNEY: Always hated that damn horse ever since it gave me the boot across Pond Lake. Remember that? Minding my own business and Maggie Anne says to go and give it a brush, so I take her up on it, brush the horse, and it lifts its hind legs and darts me a blow that (coughing) makes me cough till this day when I think on it. Damn it.
HUBERT: What the hell are you doing here?
ROMNEY: Aren’t we going to the pub?
HUBERT: What pub?
ROMNEY: (chuckles) Don’t tell me you started without me.
HUBERT: What pub you talking?
ROMNEY: The pub…Collin’s Pub. The pub we been goin’ to for the past two decades. (beat) The same damn pub your mother, God rest her soul, gave birth to you in; where you took your first breath of life. That pub! Maybe you haven’t eaten. We’ll order some ribs when we get there. How you feeling?
HUBERT: I’m fantastic. (beat) Who are you again?
ROMNEY: What?
HERBERT: I asked you who you are.
ROMNEY: What do you mean? …I’m Romney.
HUBERT: What kind of name is Romney?
ROMNEY: What kind of name is Hubert?
HUBERT: Doesn’t ring a bell.
ROMNEY: What doesn’t?
HUBERT: Your name.
Romney walks closer to Hubert and stands where he can clearly see him.
ROMNEY: I’m your best friend.
HUBERT: You don’t have the right name to be my best friend.
ROMNEY: Eh?
HUBERT: And your look is all wrong. I’d never be best friends with a bloke that looked like you.
ROMNEY: What’s wrong with my look?
HUBERT: You look like an ungroomed sheep.
ROMNEY: I just got over being ill, remember?
HUBERT: What were you sick from then?
ROMNEY: The flu.
HUBERT: Hmm.
ROMNEY: You brought me my meds, yeah?
HUBERT: Am I a doctor then?
ROMNEY: No, you ain’t no doctor, that’s for damn sure. (he laughs)
HUBERT: What am I then?
ROMNEY: Quit foolin’ around Hu, I need me a pint, let’s go.
HUBERT: I have no best friend.
ROMNEY: Huh?
HUBERT: I don’t know anyone.
ROMNEY: Are you pulling my leg?
HUBERT: No.
ROMNEY: Obviously, you’re joking me.
HUBERT: Romney, I’ll have to ask you to leave.
ROMNEY: Why?
HUBERT: Because I don’t know ya.
ROMNEY: F’ck is wrong with you?
HUBERT: I don’t know you!
ROMNEY: Did ya hit your head or somethin’ then?
HUBERT: I’d have remembered if I’d hit my head.
ROMNEY: Enough! I’m thirsty. Let’s get to the pub! I have a surprise for ya.
HUBERT: What surprise?
ROMNEY: I can’t say or it won’t be a surprise.
HUBERT: I don’t like surprises.
ROMNEY: I promise you it’s a beautiful surprise – the most beautiful surprise I’ve ever had the good fortune of resting my eyes on.
HUBERT: Who the hell are you?
ROMNEY: Damn you, Hu! I’m Romney! Your best buddy since grammar school. Quit playin’!
HUBERT: I don’t know you nor do I care to know you.
ROMNEY: It’s a little late for that, don’t you think?
HUBERT: Never too late. I’ve put you out of my mind..for good. In fact, I’ve put everyone I’ve ever known out of my mind. Only I exist. I have no mother, no father, no siblings, no friends, no acquaintances, no pets, no nothing.
ROMNEY: I think you’ve taken this game far enough.
HUBERT: I will throw you out that front door with my bare hands.
ROMNEY: Wait! You’re acting irrational.
HUBERT: Romney.
ROMNEY: Yes.
HUBERT: Do yourself a favor and walk quietly out the front door.
- To read the full one-act ePlay, find purchase link below:
In the one-act eplay, “The Horror of Hubert Holloway” Romney visits his best friend Hubert to find out that he doesn’t seem to recognize him or care to know him anymore. 2 Men. Drama/Horror.
