You Always Get Headaches When We Talk Past a Third Grade Level

A comedy scene for two about a strange philosophy about eating chocolate candy from the comedy one-act eplay The Last M&M Samurai.

Featured Scene – The Last M&M Samurai

JOE: Dude! There you go again with that commercial talk. What’s wrong with you?

DAN: Nothing at all.

JOE: But why do you keep talking so strangely?

DAN: This is how I talk.

JOE: What’s your favorite video game console?

DAN: Nintendo! Nintendo has a wide assortment of video game cartridges that are sure to leave you spellbound. From Contra to Super Mario Bros, the fun’s just getting started.

JOE: The fun’s just getting started?

DAN: That’s right. With our special discount offer of twenty percent, you too can get in on the action.

JOE: What twenty percent discount?

DAN: There are loads of old school vintage games you can buy online at reasonable costs.

JOE: Dan, can you please talk normal?

DAN: I am.

JOE: Okay, tell me about where you vacationed in Florida recently.

DAN: Fun in the sun just got a helluva lot better when you feast your eyes on this exclusive week long getaway. There’s privacy, jacuzzis, cocktails and incredible dinner packages, not to mention fantastic oceanside views and fabulous water bound activity such as snorkeling, boating and jet skis.

JOE: Tell me about your girlfriend.

DAN: A tall, slender beauty with green eyes and soft brown hair, Jane is a rare breed of high intelligence, slapstick humor, kindness and fierce determination—

JOE: Stop! Talk about me. Say something about me.

DAN: Whattya know, Joe, a good buddy to pal around with, smart enough to converse with but don’t push him too far, he might break.

JOE: What do you mean, I might break?

DAN: You always get headaches when we talk past a third grade level.

JOE: That’s unfair.

DAN: Life can be crude.

JOE: We’ve talked about all sorts of things, history, science, politics, you name it.

DAN: Yes but it’s always at a basic level, you don’t expand your mind. You keep things simple. For instance, my m & m philosophy…you couldn’t handle it.

JOE: It’s a freaking color coated peanut!

• To read the full ePlay The Last M&M Samurai, find purchase button below:

Scene Summary

This is a comedic one-act ePlay featuring Dan and Joe, best friends who work together.  Both men have a funny difference of opinion when it comes to their philosophies of life.

• Genre: Comedy
• Length: ~5 minute scene
• Characters: 2 men
• Themes: philosophy, candy, friendship
• Best For: comedy scenes

FAQ

Related Comedy Scenes

• Build me a rocket ship.  – from Darling Face
• What do you do for a living? – from Over The Moon
• People should treat you with kindness. – from Moments Notice
• We’ll have to come to some arrangement. – from Armed and Dangerous
• We can change your circuitry by rewiring your brain. – from Raison d’être

Scene Source: The Last M&M Samurai

The Last M&M Samurai is a comedy play script by Joseph Arnone, 2026.