Animal Boys

In this short serio-comedic scene Animal Boys, DEV shows up at ISABEL’S home to ask her out. They are in a working-class suburb north of London.

  • Download the free .pdf screenplay version: Animal Boys

Animal Boys

(Isabel opens front foor)

Dev: Where’s Pete?

Isabel: He’s not here.

Dev: He’s not here?  Where is he?

Isabel: How should I know, I’m not his mother.

Dev: Well, you’re starting to look like it.

Isabel: Go rot somewhere wanker.

Dev: No, really. I actually came to see you, not Pete.

Isabel: What do you want then?

Dev: Was wondering if you wanted to go with me?

Isabel: I don’t like boys.

Dev: What do you bloody mean?

Isabel: I like girls.  Got a problem with that?

Dev: You a dyke then?

Isabel: I like women, asshole.

Dev: Really?  Since when?

Isabel: Since you just asked me to go with you.

Dev: Wait a minute, are you—

Isabel: Look, I’m getting ready now, Pete’s not here, piss off and stop wasting my time.

Dev: Hold on.  What’s your problem?

Isabel: I don’t have a problem.  What’s your problem?

Dev: Don’t you know how to talk nice?

Isabel: Depends who I’m talking to.

Dev: I’m not nice enough to talk nice to?

Isabel: No.

Dev: What defines nice for you?

Isabel: Nice.  Here’s what’s nice.  Money.  You got money, Dev?  You’re working at your father’s shop, which in fact is closing down soon I’m sure because nobody ever goes to buy nothing from him cause he’s a dirty old man that’s rude and nasty to his customers.  You walked here, which means you don’t drive, which means you don’t have no car, which means you’re pathetic cause you’re stuck on your own radius.  Your hair is always shit brown dry and is already receding and I don’t date baldies. You have no education and your clothes are always the same.  You have no ambitions and you’re lazy.  I know you since I’m five and you are more like a brother than a lover.

Dev: So you’re a gold digger then are you?

Isabel: Do you blame me, Dev?  Look where I live.

Dev: Why do you have to depend on a man for all that?  Why can’t you go out on your own and—

Isabel: You don’t know what I go out for and what I’m doing in my life.

Dev: I don’t know cause—

Isabel: You’ve never cared to ask.

Dev: What do you go out for then?

Isabel: You imagine me being a piece of ass is all, don’t ya Dev?

Dev: Well, you are a good looking girl so–

Isabel: So you just want to bone me is all.  Where?  In your invisible car?  Maybe behind the alley by the trees?  No thanks.

Dev: Fine.  Well, I guess this won’t work then.

Isabel: Work?  Do you even know the word let alone spell it?  Work…haha.

Dev: Hey, don’t go laughing at me now.

Isabel: Ha Ha Ha.

Dev: I said stop laughing at me!

Isabel: Back up before I put my heel in your eye.

Dev: You’re wicked.

Isabel: Have to be.  Animal boys like you.

Dev: Fine.  (starts walking away) Go lick a pink canoe!

Isabel: I couldn’t explain it to ya, your brains too tight.

Dev: Now piss off once and for all.

Isabel: Adios.

(Isabel closes the door)

Joseph Arnone

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