MUGGS has a crush on SHARON who is supposed to meet with him and JUDD at PIP’S RESTAURANT.
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Muggs: Every time I ask Sharon to meet me at Pip’s, she never meets me.
Judd: That’s alright.
Muggs: Why is it alright?
Judd: Cause I’m here.
Muggs: Yeah. You’re here. I guess I’m destined to live a life by my lonesome.
Judd: You have Tricksy, haven’t you?
Muggs: I’m really not talking about you or birds, Judd, alright? I’m talking about a woman’s touch. Oh, forget it! I sound like an idiot talking to a bigger idiot.
Judd: Sorry, Muggs. So, you wanna go in and get some sandwiches?
Muggs: I do. My stomach’s been growling since 2pm. But I waited, I waited like a gentleman should wait and she never showed.
Judd: Third time.
(Muggs gives Judd a look)
Just sayin’…I think it’s the third—
Muggs: It’s the fourth time, alright? So what?! I believe in second chances.
Judd: Yeah but this is number four.
Muggs: I know it’s number four, Judd! I just told you it’s number freaking four.
Judd: I was just sayin’.
Muggs: Do me a favor and stop saying.
Juddy: Sorry, Muggs.
So, you wanna go get them sandwiches, then?
Muggs: Go on in. I’ll be a minute. I just want to cool off.
Judd: You hot?
Muggs: Yeah, I’m hot. If I get any hotter I’m liable to melt right here, all over the pavement. How do you like that?
Judd: I don’t like that at all, Muggs. I don’t want you to melt anywhere, especially right here in front of Pip’s, our most favorite place.
Muggs: …I’m alright. I won’t melt. Just sore about Sharon not showing up. I don’t get it. Whenever she sees me she’s all lovey dovey. Always smiling, always engaging me in conversation, always asking me how I am and always throwing hints to hang out. I give her a shot to meet with me and she’s a no show!
Judd: I’m here.
Muggs: I know. I know you’re here, buddy. (beat) I’m glad you’re here. You know, you may be, well, you’re a special kind of guy.
Judd: Thank you, Muggs. Ain’t no one ever called me special before. Do you really mean those words? I’m special?
Muggs: Why, of course you’re special. You are the most special guy I’ve ever known. How do you like that?
Judd: I like that very much, Muggs.
Muggs: How about that roast beef sandwich?
Judd: Can’t wai—
Sharon: Boys! I made it, I made.
Muggs: You made it.
Judd: She made it.
Sharon: I’m so sorry I’m late. I’m just dying to try one of those roast beef sandwiches you keep going on about.
Judd: You came to the right place.
Sharon: I believe I did.
(Sharon smiles at Judd)
Judd, would you mind going on in ahead of us, I need to have a quick word with Muggs.
Judd: Okay. Want me to go in now?
Sharon: If you don’t mind.
(Judd enters Pip’s restaurant)
Muggs: What’s wrong, Sharon? You alright?
Sharon: I need to tell you something. Something personal.
Muggs: Sure. You can talk to me about anything.
Sharon: Well, you are the only person I can talk to about it.
Muggs: Really? Go on..I’m all yours.
Sharon: I have a confession to make. I’ve been meaning to get it off my chest for quite some time and now is that time.
Muggs: Right. Let me just say that I feel the same way as you do. For the longest time.
Sharon: I’m not so sure you can.
Muggs: What do you mean? I’m not capable? I’m a man. I got needs. I know I’m the burley type but I sure as hell am the sensitive burley type. Sort of like a giant puppy you can play with day or night, anytime you wish.
Muggs: Yes, Sharon?
Sharon: This is about Judd.
Sharon: I’m in love with Judd.
Muggs: I’m like a big puppy you can cuddle and play with anytime you like.
Sharon: Did you hear me? (beat) I’m in love with Judd.
Muggs: Sensitive on the inside…yeah…right…Judd. Why, Judd?
Sharon: I’m in love with his innocence, his kindness, he is so soft spoken…he has the most gentle eyes I’ve ever seen on any man, I get lost in them…he is such a mild mannered man…do you think he likes me? I wanted to ask you because I know you two are best friends and all. It’s why I wanted to speak to you first, so I don’t embarrass myself.
Muggs: Well, Sharon, to be honest, it never crossed my mind…umm, I don’t know.
Sharon: He’s never talked about me to you before?
Muggs: We’ve spoken about you but—well, in passing conversation.
Sharon: Really?! I knew it! I knew it! Okay, that’s all I wanted to know.
Muggs: Yeah but, I don’t know one hundred percent if you’re his type.
Sharon: But you just said he speaks about me.
Muggs: Yes, no, yes but…I’m getting awfully confused. Sharon, uh, I could talk to Judd for you, to find out for sure.
Sharon: Okay. That’s sounds about right. I truly appreciate it. But you aren’t exactly sure?
Muggs: Well, Judd is a picky guy and before we jump to any conclusions it’s probably best I speak to him to be one hundred percent sure you’re his kind of gal and all.
Sharon: What percentage would you say you think he thinks I am?
Muggs: Oh, it’s a fifty, fifty shot.
Sharon…Well, okay. I trust you Muggs and I can’t thank you enough! Those are great odds!
(Sharon gives Muggs an huge hug and kiss. She then darts into Pip’s resturant.)
(Muggs looks on in defeat)