Que and Schelp

Schelp and Que (18 & 19 years old) is a tale of two teenagers who ran away from home, live from motel to motel across middle America and making a living by inventing money schemes with strangers.

Both characters have a deep seated knack for imagination and putting on ‘characters’ with make-up and wigs, walks and talks and are naturally skilled at pulling the wool over people’s eyes to get what they want, based on the perception they create for people.

Que: Schelp, what time is it?

Schelp: I don’t know, look at your phone, why you always bothering me?

Que: I’m bothering you by asking you for the time?

Schelp: You do it always.  Always the little stupid questions you have to go on asking me about, like, ‘where’s the tv remote’ or, ‘Did you see my purse?’ Who does that?

Que: I’m always askin’ you cause you always into my shit and I don’t want to spend all day looking for my belongings.  Stay outta my shit and I won’t have to ask you.

Schelp: I ain’t never in your things.  Don’t accuse me a something that ain’t ever tru.

Que: I ain’t accusing you of nothing but the facts, darling.  Get your facts straight and we cool.

(pause.)

(Schelp goes into her purse)

Que: Hey!  Wutch you doin?

Schelp: Got any gum? I need something to chew—

Que: Told you you always going through my things.

Schelp: Oh…well, got any?

Que: Damn idiot, ain’t cha?

Schelp:  GOT ANY?

Que: Nope.  I just had the last piece.  Still fresh in my mouth if you want it.

(schelp and que kiss and he takes the gum from her mouth to his)

Why you such a damn knucklehead for?

Schelp: I dunno.

Que: Cutest knucklehead I ever did meet.

Schelp: Yeah…so, we gonna rehearse or not?

Que: Again?

Schelp: We gotta get it right, don’t we?  I almost botched it all up last time.

Que: That’s cause you you weren’t in it, darling.  You gotta get in it.

Schelp: Are we gonna rehearse?

Que: (sighs) Yeah, okay.  Just once or twice cause this is my chill time, which is part of my preparation for tomorrow.  I don’t want to overwork it and screw up my flow.

Schelp: Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on already.

Que: Alright.  Start by coming in and I’ll play the man at the counter.

Schelp: Okay.

(beat)

(Schelp breathes and then ignites into action ‘as if entering a store’)

Schelp: Hello sir!  Sir!  Sir, there’s a situation.  I ran all the way here nonstop about a mile up the road, my girlfriend, she’s pregnant and in labor, my car brokedown.  Please, please can you help me!

Que: That was stupid.

Schelp: What?!

Que: That didn’t work, Schelp.  The story.  You need a better story.  I thought we already discussed this shit man.

Schelp:  What am I supposed to say?

Que: Damn it.  The point is to get this old fool out of his store so I can go in right?

Schelp: Yeah.

Que: Well, what’s to stop him from calling an ambulance or something.  We need something immediate to draw him out.

Schelp:  Okay, yeah.  I got something!  Let me just do it.  I don’t want to analyze.

Que: Fine.

Schelp: You ready?

Que: Yeah, come on man.

Schlep: Sir! Sir!

Que: Yes.

Schelp: Sir, can you come with me real quick?  My girlfriend is pregnant and just fainted  up the road and I can’t seem to resuscitit her.

Que: Wait, resuscitit?  Did you just say resuscitit, Schelp?  (she starts cracking up laughing)

Schelp: What’s wrong with the—how do you say the darn word, Que?

Que: Damn you’re dumb boy.  It’s resuscitate.  Not tit. Tate.  Got it?  Like Channing Tatum but resuscitate.  Tate.

Schelp: Damn girl, I got it, I got it.

Que: I’m getting tired of this game.  You either ready or you ain’t, Shlep.

Schelp: One last try.  I’ll jump right in.  Sir! Sir! My mom, she’s just fainted, can you please assist me? I can’t pick her up, she’s on the ground right outside.  I need help.  Please, real quick.

Que: Oh snap.  That was it.  That was good.  I like it.  Keeper.  That made me want to go outside for your Moms.  (she smiles) Good shizz.

Schelp: We got it.

Que: Easy peasy baby aby.

Schelp: Hell yeah.  Let’s do this.

Joseph Arnone

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