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Less Soap, More Blood

Here is a short original comedic script for two actors.  LESS SOAP, MORE BLOOD is a scene between an actress and her agent.  1 woman, 1 man.  Comedy.

Less Soap, More Blood

Actress ROMA barges into her agent GREGORY’S office.

AGENT: Roma!  How are you, dear?

ROMA: Oh come off it.  Don’t give me that happy Roma dear bullshit.

AGENT: What’s wrong?

ROMA: You know what’s wrong, Greg.  I want to work!  I need to work or I’m going to explode out of my mind.  I’m sick of these two word, three word lines at these horrible auditions.  I can’t even get a full sentence nowadays!  Am I not good enough for a full sentence at an audition?!

AGENT: Obviously, you’re upset.

ROMA: Upset!!  I’m angry!  I’m angry, Greg.  We’ve been working together for two years! Two years and all you send me out on are soap commercials.

AGENT: Even Ingmar Bergman, one of the most revered filmmakers of all time made soap commercials during his career.

ROMA:  Don’t give me that shit!  You think comparing me to some great foreign director is going to somehow make me feel ecstatic about doing a soap commercial?!

AGENT: Well, to be honest…if you can just calm down and give me a second.  I have some interesting news to tell you.   To be honest, I was just about to call you and tell you some good news.  It may not be the good news you wish to hear right this instant, but your ears must have been ringing—

ROMA: Just spit it out before I die from suspense.

AGENT: Well…I received a call today…and, as it turns out…there’s a director who wants to cast you in something but, before you get crazy, let me just say it’s a wonderful opportunity, he’s a good director, his short film just got into Sundance.

ROMA: Greg…tell–me what it’s for, right now.

AGENT: …It’s for a soap commercial.

ROMA:  A what?

AGENT: (clears his throat) A soap commercial.

ROMA: I see.

AGENT: Roma, dear, let me put this into perspective for—

ROMA: Gregory, can I ask you a question?

AGENT: Sure.

ROMA: Okay.  Is my work as an actress going to consist of being literally a soap star?  I have five different soap brands sending me free boxes of their products to my home each month.  I have enough soap to cleanse all of Hollywood for an entire year.

AGENT: I know, I know but if you take this gig, it will be good for you.

ROMA:  For you!  It will be good for you!  I’m making you money and you’re killing my career before it even gets started.  What the hell did I do theatre for ten years for?!  I played Lady Macbeth! I killed myself over that role! Those lines still penetrate my brain…”blood on my hands!”  I can’t take this degrading industry anymore.  You better do something for me and you better do it fast.  I need something I can sink my fangs into.  Give me some meat!  I am hungry and I need to eat a giant piece of fat meat right here and (she imitates eating meat in the air) like that and I am a vicious hungry bitch and want to work on a role that will actually show what the hell I’m capable of giving to this sucked out humanity.

(beat)

AGENT: Will you do this commercial?  They need to know today?

ROMA:  ..Yes, since I know I’m needed, Gregory…but this is the last one.  The very last one.  After this, I want something more. (she walks to the exit and turns to her agent) Less soap, more blood…got it?

Joseph Arnone

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