Bits and Pieces

Bits and Pieces is a comedy script where two friends Jennifer and Amy crash parties and wreak havoc wherever they go.  2 Women.  Comedy. 

Bits and Pieces

Jennifer: This party sucks.

Amy: Shhh, just go with it.

Jennifer: Go with what? This blows.

Amy: There’s a lot of deep pockets up in here.

Jennifer: One guy talking to me was so old his teeth actually popped out.

Amy: You should have gotten his number.

Jennifer: I can’t.

Amy: What’s two or three years max. You’d be sitting pretty on top of a mountain.

Jennifer: I can’t roll like that. I don’t know how you do it. This was such a bad idea.

Amy: Stay away from the crusties.

Jennifer: What the hell…okay.

Amy: Find someone who actually still has pigment in their hair and doesn’t drool when they talk.

Jennifer: Yeah, well, this may be the over eighty club.

Amy: That guy!

Jennifer: He’s in a wheelchair!

Amy: But he’s happy. Awww, look how cute he is.

Jennifer: He just pinched that woman’s ass.

Amy: Oh, he’s a feisty one.

Jennifer: I can’t. I’m sorry. I feel like I’m selling my soul to satan. I’m out.

Amy: Wait. Wait. Wait. Just give me like fifteen minutes. I’ve been working on Carlo from Spain who’s currently in the John.

Jennifer: Hey, why does the toilet get referred to as John? Why not Bob or Greg or—
Milton: Excuse me?

Jennifer looks at Milton, a dashing middle-aged man in a suit. Her jaw drops.

Hello…I couldn’t help but notice a glow coming from this corner of the ballroom. Now I see why. I’m Milton.

Amy: Hey Milt, I’m Amy, this here’s Jennifer.

Milton: Good evening, Jennifer.

Jennifer: Hi! Hello there.

Milton: Which one is yours?

Jennifer: Mine?

Milton: Of course.

Jennifer: Mine what? What’s mine?

Milton: (pointing) That’s my father, the one in the wheelchair.

Jennifer: Oh, is he now?

Milton: What about you? Is it your Grandmother?

Jennifer: Oh! Oh, yeah, my grams. She’s out there getting freaky. She’s not pinching asses though but she’s out there getting frisky, somewhere, anyway.

Amy: There’s my Carlo. Gotta go!

Jennifer makes eyes at Amy as ‘not to leave me alone.’ Amy bounces.

Jennifer gives a half-ass smile and bops her head and shoulders.

Milton: Can I get you a drink?

Jennifer: I’m good. Thanks. (beat) I stopped drinking.

Milton: Really? My apologies for asking.

Jennifer: Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault I black out and become a super villain.

Milton: How so?

Jennifer: Trust me, a few drinks and I’ll turn this party into a world crises.

Milton: Where are you from Jennifer?

Jennifer: I actually don’t know. When I was younger my family moved around quite a bit. Texas, Arizona, then we went east to Mississippi, Virginia, Georgia and when I got old enough I headed north to New York.

Milton: Why New York?

Jennifer: I’ve always had the heart of an urban girl.

Milton: And how long have you been in New York?

Jennifer: Not that long but long enough. What your deal?

Milton: My deal?

Jennifer: Yeah, come on, who the hell are you? Tell me about yourself.

Milton: Well, I’m a philanthropist.

Jennifer: Really? That’s it?

Milton: Well, I’m a philanthropist by way of the press. My family owns a few media publications but I am the heir not by choice, so I run a few foundations because it gives me air in my lungs.

Jennifer: Righto.

Milton: Would you like to step out to the deck with me?

Jennifer nods.


Joseph Arnone


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