In this short comic scene, VALERIE and FRANK discuss how their switch to going vegan has been working out. Frank is destroyed by it and Valerie is in paradise.


Valerie: Isn’t this incredible that we are both vegan?  I can’t believe we have actually gone vegan.

Frank: Babe, please.  I’m starving.

Valerie: Oh, come on.  Just have some more salad.

Frank: Salad?

Valerie: Yeah, you need to eat more plant foods, vegetables and fruits.

Frank: I’m starving babe, alright?  I feel like I’ve been eating leaves all day.

Valerie: Frances, stop it.  It’s only been three days.

Frank: Three days? That’s all?

Valerie: Yep.

Frank: Hasn’t it been a week already?  I feel like I’m breaking some sort of record.

Valerie: Well, I’m proud of you.  You are going to live a longer life.

Frank: (under his breath)  In misery…

Valerie: What?

Frank: I gotta tell ya, I’m ready to grab my bow and arrow and shoot down birds in the backyard.

Valerie: That’s horrible.  Tell me you’re joking.

Frank: I’m hungry!  Been eating salad that don’t even look like salad.  It’s leaves.

Valerie: It’s baby spinach!

Frank: Great.  Baby spinach looks like baby tree leaves.  What’s next?  Going outside and eating dirt?

Valerie: You have no discipline.

Frank: Discipline? I’ve gone an entire week with—

Valerie: Three days—

Frank: That’s a week if you’re Italian and I feel like I’m shribbling up.

Valerie: Shribbling?  What’s a shribble?

Frank: Shribble.  I feel like I’m shribbling…getting smaller.

Valerie: You mean shriveling?

Frank: Same thing.

Valerie: Well, I’m so happy we’re vegan.  It’s the most amazing thing.  I feel light and healthy and I’m already getting a glowing complexion.  You too!  You’re starting to get rosy cheeks.

Frank: Rosy cheeks?  What rosy cheeks?  You sure that’s not heart failure?

Valerie: No, you look more vibrant.  You don’t feel it?  Honestly, you don’t feel like you have more energy?

Frank: I need to eat protein to have strength.  Let me get more chicken peas then.

Valerie: It’s called chick peas, not chicken peas.  It compensates for protein.  (beat) You know, I can’t believe how you go on.  That’s because you’ve been given horrible food to eat your whole life.

Frank: No, it’s because I’ve eaten meals where I’ve actually used a knife.

Valerie: You don’t have to go vegan with me.  I can do it by myself.

Frank: I just wish there was more options, Val.  We go to the store and it’s not even an isle, it’s a shelf.  One whole shelf out of an entire supermarket for vegan and it’s all stuff that looks like it belongs on a late night infomercial.

Valerie: Oh, stop.

Frank: Come on, the options are limited.  Yesterday we ate what looked like hot dogs but tasted like inflated rubber bands.  Then you take coffee away from me and have me on this green tea and a man needs his coffee.

Valerie: It’s polluting your brain.

Frank: I love coffee and I won’t stop drinking it.  This green tea sh’t is going too far, I need steak and pasta and meatballs and cheese and—

Valerie: Pasta, you can have gluten free pasta.

Frank: What’s that?  I never heard of that brand?  I only know Ronzoni.

Valerie:  It’s not a brand, it’s a kind of food.

Frank: Okay, look…coffee and pasta is all I want…I’ll stop eating meat, alright? I’ll climb trees and eat leaves but I need my pasta and I need my coffee. Otherwise, I’ll kill someone.

Valerie: Alright.  Deal.


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