The Case of the Gorgonzola Toe Nail

In the short comedic sketch, The Case of the Gorgonzola Toe Nail, Pack inspects and condemns Burpie over stealing and using his beloved nail clipper.

The Case of the Gorgonzola Toe Nail

Large man, tight tang top, prances in the dark and examines Burpie while he sleeps.  He picks up one of Burpie’s feet and examines his toes closely.  “Ehm”.  He puts the foot down.

Pack:  Oh.  (beat)  Oh!  (beat)  OH!

Pack kicks the side of the bed frame.

Burpie:  Yo!  Why you kicking the bed for man?  Stop!

Pack:  Where’s my nail clipper?

Burpie:  What?

Pack:  You heard me.  Where is it?

Burpie:  I haven’t seen it and even if I did see it, I’d act like I didn’t see it.

Pack:  And why’s that?

Burpie:  Because you told me not to touch it.

Pack:  Right.  So why did I just find it on top of your bureau?

Pack wiggles the nail clipper in front of Burpie.

Burpie:  Someone must have put it there.

Pack:  Wasn’t me.

Burpie:  Let me sleep man, I got work in the morning.

Pack:  If it wasn’t me, who was it?

Burpie: The phantom.  It was The Phantom of the Opera.  Ha, ha, ha.

Pack kicks the side of the bed frame.

What’s wrong with you?!  This bed is the only nice thing I have.

Pack:  Why did you use my nail clipper?

Burpie:  I said, I didn’t!

Pack:  Burpie, I know for a fact that you used my nail clipper.

Burpie:  No, you don’t.  You’re just trying to get me to confess by acting like you have some kind of evidence.  I’m not stupid.

Pack:  Burpie, you see this?

Pack holds up a clipped toe nail.

Burpie:  What?

Pack:  Don’t what me.  You see this?

Burpie:  Yeah.

Pack:  Toe nail.  Yours.

Burpie:  What makes you think that’s my toe nail?

Pack:  What makes me think it’s your toe nail?  I’ll tell you what makes me think it’s your toe nail, Burpie.  Reason number one, you’ve always had a habit of cutting your toe nails in big chunks, like this.  Reason number two, you have a tendency to jam the nail clipper with your chunky nails and I pulled this very toe nail out from its entanglement.  Reason number three, it has your toe nail coloring, shade of green with a slight scent of Gorgonzola cheese.  Reason number four, there’s a band aid wrapped around your big toe.

Burpie:  What makes you think that’s your nail clipper, anyway?

Pack:  Excuse me?

Burpie:  What makes you think you are the rightful owner of those nail clippers?

Pack:  Don’t play games with me.

Burpie:  For your information, you are holding my Gorgonzola toe nail for no reason other than the fact that you are an inconsiderate man.

Pack:  I don’t follow.

Burpie:  That’s my nail clipper!  I bought my own!  And I am the one who left it on the bureau because that’s exactly where I left my nail clipper.

Pack:  This looks like mine.

Burpie:  It’s not.

Pack:  This looks exactly like my nail clipper.

Burpie:  I bought one that’s similar to yours because I like the way it cuts, besides, all nail clippers look the same.  So, if you don’t mind, put my clipper and toe nail back on my bureau, get out of my room and let me sleep.

Pack:  Impossible.

Burpie:  I’d let you use my nail clipper but you’re not allowed.  Go find your own.

Burpie pulls the bed sheet covers over his head.

Pack slowly stumbles to the bureau.  He places the Gorgonzola toe nail and clippers on the bureau and exits.


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