What d’you wanna be remembered for?
In Serio-comedy scene Earthbound, Connie speaks to Barney in order to help him gain perspective of himself.
Featured Scene – Earthbound
CONNIE: Barney needs to wise up.
BARNEY: He does.
CONNIE: If Barney were here right now, you know what I’d say?
BARNEY: What?
CONNIE: I’d probably not say anything.
BARNEY: No?
CONNIE: No.
Pause.
BARNEY: What would you do if I — if Barney were here?
CONNIE: I’d go to war on him.
BARNEY: Barney wouldn’t like that.
CONNIE: I suppose he wouldn’t. Or maybe he would, because he’d know inside himself that he’d deserve it.
BARNEY: What would you do to him?
CONNIE: I’d give him a whipping. Fair and square.
BARNEY: Suppose he didn’t like that? What then?
CONNIE: I wouldn’t give a damn. I wouldn’t care what Barney would like or what he wouldn’t like. I’d bust Barney right in the nose, right in his big nostrils which remind me of a vacuum cleaner. Cause he’s a scum sucker, inhaling all the things that don’t belong to him. A careless thug who’ll never know how to be an elegant thief. Without elegance, there’s no class, no charm, only butchery. He’s a butcher, so disorderly that he leaves blood stains wherever he trails; contaminating everything in sight like a clumsy mammal – a raw, twisted, breathing imbecile with no…elegance. He can’t even comb his hair. Put on a suit even, cause he dresses like a toddler – like a burden to himself. He’s a rhinoceros with no direction, starving for somethin’ and chasing everything and nothin’. He should be placed on the chopping block, delivered, and sold as meat. Only to be chopped up and flushed into a river of sewage, skimmed and reduced into powder, so he could be turned into an energy drink and distributed to the masses.
BARNEY: That’s something, then.
CONNIE: What is?
BARNEY: To give the people energy.
CONNIE: It isn’t.
BARNEY: It’s what the people need.
CONNIE: It’s not.
BARNEY: Why not?
CONNIE: They’ve got more energy than they know what to do with.
BARNEY: I don’t believe it…
CONNIE: Besides, it stems from what’s rotten – Barney’s rotten.
BARNEY: Can we switch back now to normal talk?
CONNIE: You wish to end our exercise?
BARNEY: Uh-huh.
CONNIE: Did you get to examine yourself outside of yourself?
BARNEY: I did.
CONNIE: Did you like the sound of that other person?
BARNEY: No.
CONNIE: Why?
BARNEY: He sounds like trash.
CONNIE: Do you want people to associate you with trash?
BARNEY: No.
CONNIE: Why not?
BARNEY: Trash is dirty.
CONNIE: What else is trash?
BARNEY: Left to be forgotten.
CONNIE: Do you wish to be forgotten?
BARNEY: No.
CONNIE: What is the opposite of forgotten?
BARNEY: Remembered.
CONNIE: Tell me, Barney, what d’you wanna be remembered for?
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Scene Summary
In the one-act eplay Earthbound, Connie mentally coaches Barney on how to improve himself as a person in order to become an elegant thief.
- Genre:Â Serio-Comedy
- Length: ~5 minute scene
- Characters: 1 woman, 1 man
- Themes: marriage
- Best For:Â serio-comedy scenes
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Related Serio-Comedy Scenes
Scene Source: Earthbound
Earthbound is a serio-comedy play script by Joseph Arnone, 2026.
