No Flowers, Not Even A Card stems from a one-act comedy play titled Milton’s Plight, wherein a disgruntled man is bitter over his life.

MILTON: …No compassion! No flowers, not even a card or a word. Nothing! (he squawks) I hope they all burn in hell, in the darkest, most inconsiderate, most intolerable depths of hell…

JOSHUA: …So, no tea then?

MILTON: What do we have?

JOSHUA: We have Irish breakfast, English breakfast—

MILTON: English, English, I’ll have English!

JOSHUA: With honey?

MILTON: Just make the f’kn tea however you make it Josh!

JOSHUA: Nasty b’strd.

JOSHUA exits room.

MILTON: (to himself) Me…nasty. I am a nasty b’strd. Angry as f’k. First my mother, then my job, what’s next? Afraid to ask—

JOSHUA VOICE from kitchen.

JOSHUA: Out of English breakfast, we have IRISH and EARL GREY—

MILTON: (shouting) I’ll take the grey!!

JOSHUA: Earl Grey?!

MILTON: YES, GREY, GREY, EARL GREY!!!

JOSHUA: You don’t have to scream like a lunatic.

MILTON: (to himself) Heart attack, I feel it, I’m going to have a great big heart attack and make sure I sprawl myself all across this ancient living-room rug for all to see. B’strds. Aimless b’strds.

Enter JOSHUA.

JOSHUA: Who are you talking to?

MILTON: What?

JOSHUA: Were you on the phone?

MILTON: I’m talking to the voices I hear in my head.

JOSHUA: Are you really hearing voices in your head?

MILTON: I was talking to myself—do I really have to explain every little thing I do to you. We are getting psychotic!

JOSHUA: Just calm down, tea is on the way.

MILTON: Can’t wait.

JOSHUA sits.

Pause…and then.

JOSHUA: What shall we watch tonight?

MILTON: I don’t want to watch television.

JOSHUA: Why not? We can watch the National Theatre productions online.

MILTON: We can?

JOSHUA: Yeahhh, they’re doing a remake of Frankenstein. Heard it’s terrific!

MILTON:  Right.

JOSHUA: So, it will be as if we attended the theatre in our own living-room.

MILTON: Pathetic.

JOSHUA exits room and then…

JOSHUA: Want cookies?

MILTON: Cookies?

JOSHUA: You want?

MILTON: Aren’t they old and stale?

JOSHUA: YEAH?

MILTON: YES! YES!

JOSHUA: How many?

MILTON: (to himself) Is it me?

JOSHUA: What?!

MILTON: THREE!!!

JOSHUA: OKAY!

PAUSE.

JOSHUA enters.

It’s brewing. Here’s your cookies.

JOSHUA hands MILTON cookies on napkin.

• To read the full one-act ePlay, find purchase link below:

In the one-act eplay Milton’s Plight, Joshua tries to get his husband out of his horrific depression and the two go head to head in order to find a happy ending.  Comedy.  2 Men.

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