No Flowers, Not Even a Card
No Flowers, Not Even A Card stems from a one-act comedy play titled Milton’s Plight, wherein a disgruntled man is bitter over his life.
MILTON: …No compassion! No flowers, not even a card or a word. Nothing! (he squawks) I hope they all burn in hell, in the darkest, most inconsiderate, most intolerable depths of hell…
JOSHUA: …So, no tea then?
MILTON: What do we have?
JOSHUA: We have Irish breakfast, English breakfast—
MILTON: English, English, I’ll have English!
JOSHUA: With honey?
MILTON: Just make the f’kn tea however you make it Josh!
JOSHUA: Nasty b’strd.
JOSHUA exits room.
MILTON: (to himself) Me…nasty. I am a nasty b’strd. Angry as f’k. First my mother, then my job, what’s next? Afraid to ask—
JOSHUA VOICE from kitchen.
JOSHUA: Out of English breakfast, we have IRISH and EARL GREY—
MILTON: (shouting) I’ll take the grey!!
JOSHUA: Earl Grey?!
MILTON: YES, GREY, GREY, EARL GREY!!!
JOSHUA: You don’t have to scream like a lunatic.
MILTON: (to himself) Heart attack, I feel it, I’m going to have a great big heart attack and make sure I sprawl myself all across this ancient living-room rug for all to see. B’strds. Aimless b’strds.
JOSHUA: Who are you talking to?
JOSHUA: Were you on the phone?
MILTON: I’m talking to the voices I hear in my head.
JOSHUA: Are you really hearing voices in your head?
MILTON: I was talking to myself—do I really have to explain every little thing I do to you. We are getting psychotic!
JOSHUA: Just calm down, tea is on the way.
MILTON: Can’t wait.
JOSHUA: What shall we watch tonight?
MILTON: I don’t want to watch television.
JOSHUA: Why not? We can watch the National Theatre productions online.
MILTON: We can?
JOSHUA: Yeahhh, they’re doing a remake of Frankenstein. Heard it’s terrific!
JOSHUA: So, it will be as if we attended the theatre in our own living-room.
JOSHUA exits room and then…
JOSHUA: Want cookies?
JOSHUA: You want?
MILTON: Aren’t they old and stale?
MILTON: YES! YES!
JOSHUA: How many?
MILTON: (to himself) Is it me?
It’s brewing. Here’s your cookies.
JOSHUA hands MILTON cookies on napkin.
- To read the full one-act ePlay, find purchase link below:
In the one-act eplay Milton’s Plight, Joshua tries to get his husband out of his horrific depression and the two go head to head in order to find a happy ending. Comedy. 2 Men.
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