Comedy scene for two actors from the one-act play script, “Top of the Mornin’,” wherein Bruce is on the outs with his wife.

SAMMY: Why’d she kick you out this time?

BRUCE: (rubbing his head) …What?

SAMMY: Forget it. I won’t ask.

BRUCE: Herman.

SAMMY: (expecting more) …Herman…

BRUCE: Our accountant. Leslie and Herman…

SAMMY: I don’t know a Herman.

BRUCE: Why the hell would you know Herman? WHY?!

SAMMY: I’m just sayin’.

BRUCE: Stop saying stupid sh’t!

SAMMY: Alright –

BRUCE: He’s a skinny, cross-eyed, tight pant wearing, phony fathead!

SAMMY: Did you say fathead?

BRUCE: FATHEAD!

SAMMY: Okay.

BRUCE: He’s cross-eyed. The pr’ck. He’s — and he took my wife.

SAMMY: The cross-eyed pr’ck.

BRUCE: That’s right.

SAMMY: Any coffee?

BRUCE: Huh?

SAMMY: I’ll make some, don’t worry buddy boy.

Sammy goes over to the coffee machine and fixes up a pot.

Still drinking that dark roast sh’t?

BRUCE: I like the dark roast sh’t.

SAMMY: It makes your temper flare up worse, don’t it?

BRUCE: I like strong coffee. Leave me alone with my strong coffee, Sammy.

SAMMY: I’m just sayin’, as your friend, you know, your pal, the coffee, dark coffee, for someone like you, ya gotta watch your intake, cause –

BRUCE: Sammy?

SAMMY: Yeah.

BRUCE: Shut the f’ck up an’ make the coffee.

(pause.)

SAMMY: The thing about guys like Herman, is that they calculate. They look innocent, trustworthy, but on the inside, their wheels are spinnin’. Externally, they exude a calm demeanor, make you feel safe, he probably made Leslie feel safe, protected even, then everyone drops their guard! And all the while, Bud, they are positioning themselves to STRIKE, waitin’ for the opportune time to net what they so long wish to catch…in this case, your wife, Leslie. Right?

BRUCE: Something like that.

SAMMY: You can’t let that scrawny pr’ck get the best of you, Bruce. Ya just can’t.

BRUCE: She wants a divorce.

SAMMY: Who, Leslie?

BRUCE: No, the tooth-fairy that took flight. Who we talking about here?!

SAMMY: Does she?

BRUCE: Yeah.

SAMMY: Do you?

BRUCE: No.

SAMMY: You gonna fight for her?

BRUCE: She doesn’t love me no more.

SAMMY: Do you love her still?

BRUCE: I do.

SAMMY: Then you shouldn’t let her go.

BRUCE: Hey! I’ve had enough of your mouth.

SAMMY: I’m serious.

BRUCE: So am I.

SAMMY: Bruce, if you love her, ya can’t give up. You can’t allow her to make a bad decision like that.

BRUCE: She told me straight to my face, that I’m dead to her. What am I suppose to do with that? She doesn’t love me no more.

SAMMY: She could just be testing you.

BRUCE: She’s f’ckin’ Herman, my accountant, Sammy!

SAMMY: But maybe that’s just to see if…yeah, actually you’re right. Yeah. Hey, but at least this then…challenge Herman to a duel.

BRUCE: What?

SAMMY: Right here, back of the store alley. Take those two dueling guns off the wall and have a duel with the bast’d. Those guns still work?

BRUCE: I haven’t tried them in ages.

SAMMY: Polish them up.

BRUCE: Are you nuts?

SAMMY: Challenge him. Call Herman up right now and challenge him to a duel.

BRUCE: I want my coffee.

Sammy pushes the phone onto Bruce’s desk closer to him.

SAMMY: Duel.

BRUCE: Coffee.

SAMMY: Duel!

BRUCE: COFFEE!!!

Sammy goes and pours two cups of coffee.

SAMMY: Hey man, that crooked-eyed accountant may have won the battle, but he hasn’t won the war, buddy boy. I guarantee you, as soon as you phone him up and challenge him, he’s gonna think you’re crazy, and he’ll run for the hills. Trust me.

Gives Bruce his coffee and sips his own.

And there you have it.

BRUCE: What, have, what?

SAMMY: Proof that Herman is NOT a bigger man than you.

BRUCE: It’s not about that.

SAMMY: Oh, but it is.

BRUCE: It’s not.

SAMMY: He’s tagging your wife, Bruce!

Bruce stands up from behind his desk, with a menacing gaze on Sammy.

BRUCE: I don’t like what you just said.

SAMMY: Thing. Right? They’re having a thing. Yeah?

BRUCE: (sits) Yeah.

SAMMY: So, call him up.

BRUCE: Call him up and say what?

Bruce continues to stare at Sammy, but then looks down at the phone on his desk.

Alright, you wanna f’ck around, Sammy, let’s f’ck around! Let’s give Herman a ring, just for the laughs of it. Just so I can prove to myself what a f’cking tool you and the rest of ’em are.

Bruce picks up the receiver in anger, dials, and listens…and waits, till –

BRUCE: Yeah, Herman, this is Bruce. (beat) I’m fine, thank you. Wait, LISTEN! I’m not fine, actually, I have a request for you, Herman. You ready? I challenge you to a duel! Huh? A DUEL! You know, walk ten paces, then turn and fire at one another with pistols. A duel!! Do you accept my challenge, or are you – what? (beat) You accept? (Bruce looks at Sammy.) Are you sure? (beat) One-hundred percent sure…alright. Okay, uh, let’s say this Wednesday, uh, the twentieth, uh, 2pm? Works, yeah, well, uh, it’ll take place behind my shop, in the alleyway. Right. You sure, right? Don’t back down on me, Hermie. Right. Right. Alright, I’ll see you there.

Bruce sits in shock.

Sammy sips his coffee.

SAMMY: That b’stard’s got balls after all, eh, buddy boy?

BRUCE: Huh?

SAMMY: Herman. He’s got chutzpah.

BRUCE: What the f’ck am I gonna do now, Sammy?

SAMMY: What do you mean?

BRUCE: I never personally fired a gun before in all my life!

SAMMY: Alright, so we practice. We’ll set up some targets in the back there, and we’ll practice shooting.

BRUCE: Why did I listen to you? WHY?! I’m gonna get murdered.

SAMMY: It’s a pretty remarkable thing.

BRUCE: What is?

SAMMY: Having a duel. I mean, I didn’t think you were crazy enough to go for it, but I mean, to each his own, right?

BRUCE: What are you saying, you stupid son of a b’tch?! I listened to YOU. You told me he would back down, and he didn’t back down, he stepped forward, and now I have to kill this b’stard in order to live out the rest of my pathetic existence.

SAMMY: You’re gonna win Leslie back.

BRUCE: She doesn’t love me anymore!

SAMMY: But this is top-notch chivalry. You are putting your life on the line for her, because you still love her, and she’s gonna see that you are willing to risk everything for her, and that’s gonna matter to her because, I believe, I believe deep down she still loves you, and if you show your wife, YOUR wife, how far you’re willing to go, she will forget cross-eyed Herman and love you forever and ever, and we’ll all be celebratin’ this grand event with a well-earned pint.

BRUCE: You and this entire idea is ONE GREAT BIG A**.

SAMMY: Nah –

BRUCE: You get me so worked up I can’t think straight. I never would have called him.

SAMMY: But you did.

BRUCE: NEVER would have bothered.

SAMMY: But you wanted to, or else you wouldn’t have. You needed me to nudge you, that’s all I did. A little nudge, and you were off to the races, bud.

BRUCE: This is my life, Sammy.

SAMMY: F’ck your life. This is bigger than your life. This is your honor.

• To read the full one-act ePlay, find purchase link below:

In the one-act eplay, “Top of the Mornin’,” Sammy shows up at his friend Bruce’s Pawn Shop to sell him a watch, only to discover that Bruce is on the outs with his wife and has been sleeping in the store for the past few days.  2 Men.  Comedy.

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