A dark humor scene from one-act eplay, “You Wouldn’t Believe Ralph” about a guy who owes money to a renowned criminal, but only has half.

KELLY sizes RALPH up.

KELLY: Not in the f’cking mood for it.

RALPH: Where’s Donnie?

KELLY: You’re on Donnie’s sh’t list.

RALPH: What else is new?

KELLY: Have you come to deliver the money or the bullsh’t?

RALPH: Can I speak to Donnie?

KELLY: He’s sleeping.

RALPH (to himself out-loud): Sh’t.

KELLY: What story is it now? Aliens from outer space?

RALPH: It ain’t that.

KELLY: You was in the hospital and just got out?

RALPH: Stop it, Kelly.

KELLY: You were kidnapped by Gypsies and narrowly escaped?

RALPH: Stop takin’ the mick!

KELLY: (laughs)

RALPH: If I told Donnie, he’d understand.

KELLY: Do yourself a favor and get the f’ck out.

RALPH: Not until I know things are good with Don.

KELLY: You’re gonna wake him up!

DONNIE enters the room.

DONNIE: I’m up…what time is it Kel?

KELLY reads her wristwatch.

KELLY: 3PM on the dot.

DONNIE: There’s a sh’t storm in my head.

KELLY: Want some black coffee, Don?

DONNIE: Oh, that would be lovely…just one sugar, please. Thanks.

KELLY fixes DONNIE a cup of coffee at the kitchen wall.

DONNIE examines RALPH.

DONNIE: You soiled yourself, Ralph?

RALPH: I did.

DONNIE: That mud or sh’t on your trousers?

RALPH: A bit of both, I’m afraid.

KELLY hands DONNIE his coffee.

DONNIE (to KELLY): Thanks, darling.

KELLY (to DONNIE): He’s already setting the bait for a story.

RALPH: Kelly!

KELLY: Always a story! Never pays up on time!

RALPH: I make the effort!

KELLY: Shut up already! You’re a no good skinny b’stard!

DONNIE: Shhh, shhh, my brain is trying to wake up…

KELLY sits and continues counting money and placing them in shoeboxes.

DONNIE sips his coffee.

DONNIE: Delicious, Kelly.

KELLY: (grunts)

DONNIE: That the bean from Colombia that we like?

KELLY: …It is.

DONNIE: Okay, Ralph. Why don’t you have a seat and you could explain to me why you don’t have my money?

RALPH takes a seat.

RALPH: It’s not that I don’t have your money, Don.

DONNIE: Oh, no?

RALPH: I have half.

DONNIE: Half.

RALPH pulls out a muddied roll of cash.

KELLY: What the f’ck is that there?

RALPH: It’s Don’s money!

KELLY: Covered in sh’t?

RALPH: It’s mud, it’s covered in mud.

KELLY: You expect me to count it?

RALPH: It’s the money I owe.

KELLY: Now you bringin’ us dirty notes, you dirty b’stard!

DONNIE: Now, now, Kelly, Kelly please, it’s too early in the day for me.

KELLY: Just you wait!

DONNIE: Kelly.

KELLY: Expects me to wash it down!

DONNIE: Ralph, she won’t except that.

RALPH: But it’s the money.

DONNIE: I know it’s the money, but that’s no way to make payment.

RALPH: I haven’t gotten to what happened on my way over here.

DONNIE: Give it.

RALPH hands DONNIE the muddy ball of money.

RALPH: I wanted to —

DONNIE: Shhh, shhhh…(counts the money) Is that a fiver?

RALPH leans in.

RALPH: That’s a fiver.

DONNIE looks up at RALPH.

DONNIE throws the money in RALPH’S face.

RALPH: Donnie —

DONNIE: That’s not half.

RALPH: I was gettin’ to that.

DONNIE: When I asked you, you told me half.

• To read the full one-act ePlay, find purchase link below:

In the one act eplay comedy You Wouldn’t Believe Ralphy, Donnie and Kelly are expecting a payment for the money owed by Ralph but all doesn’t go as planned because of his wild tale.  1 Woman, 2 Men.  Comedy/Crime.

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