You’re too stupid to go to Naples

Lex and Ray need money like it’s going out of style in this serio-comedy scene from the one-act eplay, ‘The Woebegone’.

LEX: When did this a##hole say he was gonna be here?

RAY: You asked me that stupid question three times already.

LEX: I’m roasting! You couldn’t pick a shady spot to meet him?

RAY: Ahhh God, stop working me up, always gotta work me up. You’re not the only moron out here baking in the sun, alright?

LEX: Doesn’t help! I feel like I’m getting bubbles under my forearms.

RAY: Bubbles? What bubbles?

LEX: Look! (showing her arms) Doesn’t the skin look weird, like it’s flaring up?

RAY: It looks red.

LEX: It once happened when I was fifteen years old in Naples, fell asleep on the beach at night with my friend Crissie, woke up the next day completely sunburnt, blisters all over my body.

RAY: Naples? When were you ever in Naples?

LEX: Went on holiday with Crissie and her family.

RAY: Get the f’k outta here with that.

LEX: What?

RAY: You ain’t ever left Queens your whole life.

LEX: You’re an @%%hole.

RAY: Naples —

LEX: I been to Naples!

RAY: Where in Naples you been?

LEX: Naples, I don’t know.

RAY: And what does Naples look like?

LEX: Lots of buildings and museums and beaches.

RAY: There’s buildings, museums and beaches everywhere. Give me something specific.

LEX: When we first arrived in Naples, we walked along the perimeter of the shoreline, the ocean was an aqua green color, I never saw the ocean look so friendly before and when we jumped into that emerald abyss I instantly felt like I was cleansed spiritually, all of a sudden I felt this lightness come over me…later, we went through town and walked along a cobblestone street, it was so narrow that we had to step to the side in order to let the cars go by. Eventually we reached a tiny church and inside was a painting made by Leonardo Da Vinci and after that we had spumoni ice cream, bought a bunch of beers and got smashed on the beach as we watched the sunset. It was one of the most magical moments of my life.

RAY: And when did you get sunburnt?

LEX: The following morning.

RAY: Alright, alright, you were in Naples, good for you.

LEX: Yes, I was.

RAY: I’d like to go to Naples.

LEX: You’re too stupid to go to Naples.

RAY: How does being stupid have anything to do with going to Naples?

LEX: Because you’re too stupid to not be smart enough to make enough money to visit Naples.

RAY: You depress me.

(beat)

LEX: Just stating the facts.

  • To read the full one-act ePlay, find purchase link below:

The WoebegoneIn this one-act ePlay, LEX and RAY wait at the beach in the blistering heat because they are desperate to sell camera lenses to a stranger for money. Drama. 1 Woman 1 Man.

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