The Handler
This is a short comedic crime skit for two actors to play. 1 woman, 1 man. Â FRISK is a hit man and his girlfriend HELENA finds out for the first time.
The Handler
Frisk: Don’t talk to me about Lonnie anymore.
Helena: Why, what’s so wrong about Lonnie?
Frisk: You go on too much about him lately. Â He’s this and he’s that. Â I couldn’t really give a sh’t.
Frisk: You said I can have friends.
Frisk: Have friends. Â I’m not complaining about you having friends. Â I am only asking for you to stop talking so much about Lonnie.
Helena: But I don’t understand why. Â Can’t I talk to you about what’s going on in my life?
Frisk: Of course you can and I want you to, the same way that I share things with you but this Lonnie guy, lately, all you do is talk about him. Â The guy is getting on my nerves and I haven’t even met him yet.
Helena: Oh stop. Â He’s fine. Â You don’t share things with me anyway, so…
Frisk: I do share things with you all of the time.
Helena: That’s not true. Â I always have to ask to get anything out of you.
Frisk: You saying I don’t talk and make conversation?
Helena: I’m saying that whenever we see one another and you come back from whatever it is you’re doing, you never have anything to share with me.
Frisk: Oh yeah?
Helena: Yeah.
Frisk: Okay. Â Right now I got two dead bodies in the trunk of my car, sitting right in the driveway.
Helena: Hahaha.
Frisk: Go have a look and we can talk about it.
(Frisk flips her the keys)
(Helena stares at Frisk and then leaves. Â We hear a scream. Â She comes back. Â All the while Frisk was making her a cocktail.)
Here you go, baby.
(hands her the drink, takes his keys)
Sit down. Â Now we can talk. Â The two men that are dead in my trunk are two men that owed a friend of mine a load of money. Â They haven’t made good on their debt and this friend of mine, whenever he’s in a jam or needs something handled, he calls me up and I handle it for him. Â I’m what you call the handler, hence my nickname, ‘Handles.’ (beat) Â So, tell me more about Lonnie.
Helena: I had no idea.
Frisk: Hey listen, we’ve been going together now for two years time. Â If it’s such a shock to you, you can go tell Lonnie about it.
Helena: Enough about Lonnie!
Frisk: I’m sure Lonnie can write up a song or two about dead guys in a trunk. Â How about that for a title?
Helena: Please…I feel sick.
Frisk: Drink your drink. Â Baby, you can leave right now and we’re fine. Â I know you won’t say anything cause you don’t have a big mouth but this is what it is so…
Helena: And what are you going to do with them…the bodies.
Frisk: Feed them to the poor.
(Frisk chuckles)
I’m only kidding. Â I haven’t decided yet. Â No rush. Â It’s cold outside so the stink won’t be as potent tomorrow. Â I figured let’s sleep in, spend some time, we’ll talk more since that’s what you want and tomorrow I’ll take care of it.
Helena: I knew you were, I mean, I’m not stupid but, I never imagined you would do things in such a way, like this, if—
Frisk: It’s fine. Â So ask me anything you want. Â I’ll tell you about my work days.
Helena: No! Â That’s it. Â That’s all I want to know.
Frisk: Are you sure? Â There’s a funny story that happened this past Tuesday with a guys finger.
Helena: No, no, that’s alright, you’ve…we’re okay now.
Frisk: Now that that’s out of the way, we can get back to square one. Â How was your day?
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