Short comedic play Front Row Seats, Joe has a bad reaction to food he ate in relation to being lactose intolerant…right before a play is about to begin.

To his girlfriend.

JOE: Can’t believe this happens to me, always me! I try so hard to go out and have a good time with you and we do, we do most always have good times, right? But I get stuck suffering when I have dairy and it pisses me off cause I want to enjoy the finer things in life.

I mean, why is it so difficult for me to eat a quesadilla or a slice of pizza for instance, without having to climb walls in agony? I need a stomach transplant.

I look at you and you can eat whatever your heart desires and not only that but you eat combinations of food that don’t even make sense. You’ll have a roast beef sandwich with chinese food or a taco with pasta…and you walk around perfectly fine..if I did that I’d be in the hospital for three days.

I have never seen anyone in all my life put hot sauce on just about every meal they have and not blink an eye. You walk around as if hot sauce was a pinch of pepper…I don’t know how you do it. If I even glance at hot sauce I immediately get cramps.

It’s so unsettling, this is so unsettling and I am so fed up with these stupid leg dance routines that I do in order to cope with the discomfort from attempting to actually eat a great tasting meal and—and—

• To read the full one-act ePlay, find purchase link below:

Front Row Seats is a short comedic play about a man in dire need of a bathroom, before the start of a broadway show.

Purchase ePlay