Full Amount

Porch. Morning. Tennessee.

Gabe rocks back and forth in his chair.  PRONTO arrives on a bicycle sweating profusely and out of breath.

Pronto takes a bunch of plastic grocery bags off his bike and approaches the porch of the house.

Gabe: You get me my coffee?  The coarse kind?
Pronto: Yes, sir.
Gabe: What in the hell took your scrawny ass so long to get back?
Pronto: I went as fast as I could, sir.
Gabe: You should have been back at least twenty minutes ago.
Pronto: I will be faster next time.
Gabe: Might not be a next time.
Pronto: So sorry.
Gabe: Set the bags down on the kitchen counter.

Pronto enters the house. Gabe follows him in.

Gabe: You any good at brewing?
Pronto: Coffee?
Gabe: No, soda…YES, coffee!
Pronto: I make good coffee.
Gabe: I need some coffee for my enema.
Pronto: Enema?
Gabe: That’s right.

Pronto stares at Gabe quizzically.

Gabe: I use a french coffee press but it’s rigged for my needs. It pays to be handy.  I burrowed a hole in it so when you push down slowly at the top, the coffee stream goes in nice and smooth.

Pronto continues to look confused.

Gabe: Does your face rest dumb or are you lost in the brain boy?
Pronto: I, I—
Gabe: You know what a french press is?
Pronto: For the coffee?
Gabe: Bravo! YEAH, it’s for the coffee. I use a device called a french press. I take it you never used one before?
Pronto: Oh, no, I know, I’ve used one before. Yes.
Gabe: You best not be shittin’ me.
Pronto: No, no, it’s when you put the coffee in with the hot water and press it out. Yes, this I know. I know this one.
Gabe: Get ‘er started. It’s time for my enema.
Pronto: Sorry, sir but I do not know what an enema is…
Gabe: An enema is when you stick something in your ass.
Pronto: …But this is coffee.
Gabe: I know it is you dumb shit. It’s a coffee enema.
Pronto: Coffee…in your ass?
Gabe: I gotta spell it out for you like Pictionary, don’t I boy? Picture this, that rubber hose you see on the table there, gets attached to the french coffee pot resting on the stove.  At the other end of the rubber hose you will notice a thin plastic plug like device about three inches long and one inch in diameter.  It’s nice and snug all while generating much less discomfort when penetrating my anus. As you press down on the french press coffee pot, the coffee will get pumped through the rubber hose, past the white plastic plug and directly fed into my butt-hole, filling my lower intestines with warm and cozy coarse coffee. The feeling will keep me stimulated and bright throughout the rest of my shitty ass day. We do this together, twice a day for good measure. You got it now or do I have to do it all myself?
Pronto: Yes…sir…yes.  Um, what part is for me?
Gabe: For you? How so?
Pronto: No, not for me, no…I mean for you but what part do I do for you?
Gabe: Oh. Looky here, you won’t touch or even see my ass if that’s what you’re asking. So long as you don’t take no peeks. I do my own inserting. I just need somebody to stand above me and pump while I lay down on the floor.
Pronto: Thank you.
Gabe: What the hell you thanking me for?
Pronto: Thank you for trusting me to help you.
Gabe: That’s the strangest thank you I ever heard in my life. Are you weird?
Pronto: I no weird.
Gabe: You sure? You keep asking weird questions.
Pronto: No me no weird, sir.
Gabe: You promise?
Pronto: I do.
Gabe: I’m not gonna have to replace you already, am I?
Pronto: Not at all, sir. No, not at all.
Gabe: Get the Goddamn water in the stove pot till it boils and pour it into the french press. Don’t leave out the coffee. Ain’t nothing worse than that. Make sure it’s the full amount…six on the pot.  That’s the perfect level.
Pronto: Okay.
Gabe: And no drinking. I need every drop to go where I’m sending it. Full amount.  If you want your own cup of coffee, make a fresh pot but don’t you use my coarse coffee.  Use that old grounded down shit in the cupboard.  That’s your coffee.
Pronto: Okay.
Gabe: I’ll be in the next room on the floor waiting for you.

Joseph Arnone

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