A person who’s already crazy, can’t go crazy.
Comedy scene from “Catching Summer”, Pam is concerned for a turtle trying to cross the road, but learns that Teddy has a phobia of them.
It’s sweltering.
Pam sits on top of her luggage.
Teddy is standing, staring down the long road.
PAM: Some life.
TEDDY: Huh?
PAM: Said, “This is some life.”
TEDDY: We’re leaving.
PAM: Feels like I’m going crazy.
TEDDY: A person who’s already crazy, can’t go crazy.
PAM: Don’t know why I’m here with you. I could be anywhere.
TEDDY: Where’d you go?
PAM: Anywhere on planet Earth. And here I am, still here…with you.
TEDDY: (Teddy tries to ignore Pam)
Pam stands up.
PAM: That turtle hasn’t moved for hours.
TEDDY: Huh?
PAM: (gesturing to the turtle) It’s lying there in the center of the road, and it hasn’t moved in hours.
TEDDY (taking notice – barely audible): Oh.
Pam takes a step towards the turtle.
Just leave it.
PAM: Help it cross the road.
TEDDY: I ain’t touching it.
PAM: I said help it, TEDDY!
TEDDY: No.
PAM: Do it.
TEDDY: No way.
PAM: Pick it up and carry it to safety, Ted. I’m serious, it doesn’t look well.
TEDDY: I can’t.
PAM: Why can’t you?
TEDDY: I have a thing.
PAM: What..thing?
TEDDY: It gets me all…to touch it..I won’t be able to…I get nervous fingers.
PAM: What you talking about?
TEDDY: I don’t like turtles, alright?
PAM: But, it’s a turtle.
TEDDY I know what it is.
PAM: You saying you have a fear of turtles now?
TEDDY: Don’t start in on me –
PAM: But, it’s a turtle, Teddy!
TEDDY: I see that it’s a turtle, Pam!
PAM: How can you have fear of turtles? No one has a fear of turtles.
TEDDY: I do.
PAM: And it’s dying, trying to cross the road –
TEDDY: Let the damn thing die.
PAM: It’s too hot, and it’s not gonna make it!
TEDDY: That’s why they have shells; gives them shade from the sun.
PAM: It’s roasting.
TEDDY: I ain’t picking up the turtle cause I was attacked by one as a kid, nearly took my index finger clear off. I still remember the pain. I want no part of that thing. Couldn’t give a damn if it lives or dies.
PAM: This turtle ain’t done nothing to you.
Pam walks over to the turtle and stands over it.
It will die because of you.
TEDDY: Pam, don’t get so near it.
PAM: It’s gonna die!
Teddy charges the turtle, picks it up and flings it to the other side of the road.
Pam runs after the turtle.
PAM: What the hell is wrong with you?!
TEDDY: He tried to bite my finger off.
PAM: You’re the worst. I could kill you right now.
TEDDY: Is it alright? (beat) Is the damn thing alright?
Pam stands up and gives Ted a dirty look.
Well?
PAM: Does it look alright, Ted?
TEDDY: Shouldn’t mess with nature.
PAM: You threw the turtle.
TEDDY: I tossed the turtle.
PAM: Threw it!
TEDDY: I said it tried to pluck off one of my fingers.
PAM: All in your mind.
TEDDY: Nearly took my thumb!
PAM: Liar!
TEDDY: Told you, I don’t have luck when it comes to turtles. They don’t like me, and I don’t like them. When I took hold of it, it tried to chomp off my thumb, and to avoid that, I TOSSED THE TURTLE to the other side of the road, just like you wanted. Should be thanking me. That thing should be thanking me, too.
(Pam crosses her arms.)
PAM: Are you trying to make me believe that you really have a fear of turtles? And that the turtle tried to bite off one of your fingers?
TEDDY: I ain’t no damn liar.
PAM: Maybe you think you saw what you saw, but you ain’t really saw it.
TEDDY: I’m done talking to you.
Pam takes hold of the turtle and holds it up at Teddy.
PAM: It’s empty!
TEDDY: What?
PAM: Turtle shell only.
TEDDY: That’s a different –
PAM: You imagined the whole thing, Ted. This here’s a turtle shell.
Teddy takes the turtle shell from Pam, examines it.
- To read the full one-act ePlay, find purchase link below:
In the one act seriocomedy play, “Catching Summer” Pam and Teddy are trying to leave behind their unhappy existence and venture out on a new life’s path together. 1 Woman, 1 Man. Seriocomedy.