Comedy scene from “Catching Summer”, Pam is concerned for a turtle trying to cross the road, but learns that Teddy has a phobia of them.

It’s sweltering.

Pam sits on top of her luggage.

Teddy is standing, staring down the long road.

PAM: Some life.

TEDDY: Huh?

PAM: Said, “This is some life.”

TEDDY: We’re leaving.

PAM: Feels like I’m going crazy.

TEDDY: A person who’s already crazy, can’t go crazy.

PAM: Don’t know why I’m here with you. I could be anywhere.

TEDDY: Where’d you go?

PAM: Anywhere on planet Earth. And here I am, still here…with you.

TEDDY: (Teddy tries to ignore Pam)

Pam stands up.

PAM: That turtle hasn’t moved for hours.

TEDDY: Huh?

PAM: (gesturing to the turtle) It’s lying there in the center of the road, and it hasn’t moved in hours.

TEDDY (taking notice – barely audible): Oh.

Pam takes a step towards the turtle.

Just leave it.

PAM: Help it cross the road.

TEDDY: I ain’t touching it.

PAM: I said help it, TEDDY!

TEDDY: No.

PAM: Do it.

TEDDY: No way.

PAM: Pick it up and carry it to safety, Ted. I’m serious, it doesn’t look well.

TEDDY: I can’t.

PAM: Why can’t you?

TEDDY: I have a thing.

PAM: What..thing?

TEDDY: It gets me all…to touch it..I won’t be able to…I get nervous fingers.

PAM: What you talking about?

TEDDY: I don’t like turtles, alright?

PAM: But, it’s a turtle.

TEDDY I know what it is.

PAM: You saying you have a fear of turtles now?

TEDDY: Don’t start in on me –

PAM: But, it’s a turtle, Teddy!

TEDDY: I see that it’s a turtle, Pam!

PAM: How can you have fear of turtles? No one has a fear of turtles.

TEDDY: I do.

PAM: And it’s dying, trying to cross the road –

TEDDY: Let the damn thing die.

PAM: It’s too hot, and it’s not gonna make it!

TEDDY: That’s why they have shells; gives them shade from the sun.

PAM: It’s roasting.

TEDDY: I ain’t picking up the turtle cause I was attacked by one as a kid, nearly took my index finger clear off. I still remember the pain. I want no part of that thing. Couldn’t give a damn if it lives or dies.

PAM: This turtle ain’t done nothing to you.

Pam walks over to the turtle and stands over it.

It will die because of you.

TEDDY: Pam, don’t get so near it.

PAM: It’s gonna die!

Teddy charges the turtle, picks it up and flings it to the other side of the road.

Pam runs after the turtle.

PAM: What the hell is wrong with you?!

TEDDY: He tried to bite my finger off.

PAM: You’re the worst. I could kill you right now.

TEDDY: Is it alright? (beat) Is the damn thing alright?

Pam stands up and gives Ted a dirty look.

Well?

PAM: Does it look alright, Ted?

TEDDY: Shouldn’t mess with nature.

PAM: You threw the turtle.

TEDDY: I tossed the turtle.

PAM: Threw it!

TEDDY: I said it tried to pluck off one of my fingers.

PAM: All in your mind.

TEDDY: Nearly took my thumb!

PAM: Liar!

TEDDY: Told you, I don’t have luck when it comes to turtles. They don’t like me, and I don’t like them. When I took hold of it, it tried to chomp off my thumb, and to avoid that, I TOSSED THE TURTLE to the other side of the road, just like you wanted. Should be thanking me. That thing should be thanking me, too.

(Pam crosses her arms.)

PAM: Are you trying to make me believe that you really have a fear of turtles? And that the turtle tried to bite off one of your fingers?

TEDDY: I ain’t no damn liar.

PAM: Maybe you think you saw what you saw, but you ain’t really saw it.

TEDDY: I’m done talking to you.

Pam takes hold of the turtle and holds it up at Teddy.

PAM: It’s empty!

TEDDY: What?

PAM: Turtle shell only.

TEDDY: That’s a different –

PAM: You imagined the whole thing, Ted. This here’s a turtle shell.

Teddy takes the turtle shell from Pam, examines it.

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In the one act seriocomedy play, “Catching Summer” Pam and Teddy are trying to leave behind their unhappy existence and venture out on a new life’s path together.  1 Woman, 1 Man.  Seriocomedy.

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