Cruel Joke

In the comedy script Cruel Joke, Vin and Pat wait for instructions from their boss, while finding ways to keep themselves occupied.

Featured Script – Cruel Joke

PAT and VIN stand by the garbage can fire pit warming their hands and body.

PAT:  Cruel joke.

VIN:  What.

PAT:  This f’n freezin’ our asses off.

VIN:  Yeah.

PAT:  Hate doin’ jobs in the wintertime.  I’m much more of a summer crook than a winter crook, ya know?

VIN:  Move to Florida.

PAT:  What?

VIN:  I said Florida, move to Florida.

PAT:  And do what?

VIN:  Do scores down there.

PAT:  I thought about it.

VIN:  Yeah?

PAT:  Ah…f’n do down there man?  Sweatin’ my balls off each job.

VIN:  But you like the heat.

PAT:  Not when clothes stick.

VIN:  There’s air-conditioner.

PAT:  But still.  Always hot.  Some change in the weather is good, don’t get me wrong, but not like blizzards and sh’t.  Can’t be bothered in this.  My eyeballs frozen up.  Can’t even blink when it gusts.

VIN:  Gusts?

PAT:  Wind blows.

VIN:  Yeah.

PAT: Penetrates the eardrums, I see blue.

VIN:  Want my hat?

PAT:  Hat?

VIN:  Want my hat?

PAT:  Nah.

VIN:  Take it.  Take my hat.

PAT:  Keep that thing away from me.  Like a dead rat.  It smells.

VIN:  My hat don’t smell.

PAT:  It does.

VIN:  No.

PAT:  You get that sweaty heady whiff.  I borrowed your hat once, many winters ago, and the entire time I had it on my head I smelled ass.  Had no idea where it was comin’ from, was drivin’ me crazy.  I was sniffin’ everything around me, ass.  And then it dawned on me..I sniffed your hat and gagged.  Your ass all over my hair, drippin’ down my forehead, buried in my nostrils, disgusting.

VIN:  How do you know it wasn’t your own ass?

PAT:  Cause I don’t smell.

VIN:  I don’t smell either.

PAT:  Yes, you do.  You can’t detect it cause you’ve grown immune to your own scent.  It’s been with you your whole friggin’ life.

VIN:  Bullsh’t.

PAT:  Ask anybody to smell your hat and I guarantee they will gag.  Wanna bet me?

VIN:  No, I don’t.  It’s stupid.

PAT:  Just wash your hat..don’t you wash your hat?

VIN:  Actually, I don’t.

PAT:  No?

VIN:  I never thought about washin’ my hat.

PAT:  Ya hat looks like it curled up in a ball and died on ya head.  Like it died from years of sweat, ass and neglect.  Throw it out.  Buy a new one after we do this job.  Please.  Really.

VIN:  This was my Great-Great-Grandfather’s winter hat.

PAT:  F’k outta here.

VIN:  Nah.

PAT:  That’s like a hundred and fifty years of hereditary ass.  That’s how long and far that distinct odor has traveled.

VIN:  At least I’m warm.

PAT:  I rather freeze to death than pollute my brain.  Surprised you haven’t caught a fungus.

VIN:  I haven’t been sick since I started wearin’ this hat as a kid.

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Script Summary

In the short comedy script Cruel Joke, while Vin and Pat wait for their next instructions from their boss, they find ways to keep themselves occupied.

• Genre: Comedy
• Length: ~10 Minutes
• Script Characters: 2 men
• Age Range: Any
• Themes: friends, criminal partners
• Best For: comedy scripts

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Script Source: Cruel Joke

Cruel Joke is a comedy script by Joseph Arnone, 2026.