How Was Your Day Darling Face?

Beverly’s husband comes home from work and asks her how her day was and the following comedic monologue is Beverly’s response.

Beverly:  The nearest town where there is any sort of human life is approximately forty-five minutes from here.  When I got into your old ass, run down, rathole of a truck, I turned on the ignition and noticed a little red gas light that caught my attention.  In fact, there was also a yellow light that looked like a wrench and an orange light that looked like an oil can but I said to myself, “Screw it!  I’m sure my man maintains his ride.”

Besides, I needed to get the hell out of all that claustrophobic air I’ve been breathing anyway, so I drove out the driveway and drove on up to the top of the hill when suddenly, there was a cough, a jump and a kick, which turned your truck completely off and forced me to ride back down the hill, in reverse mind you and after panic, sweat and screams I magically parked your shitty ass ride back to its original resting place and parked…backwards.

(sarcastically)  Right back where I started.

To think that I actually thought I could figure out how to start your truck again, I opened up the hood and peered all the way in but guess what happened next…wanna guess?  (beat)  A bear decided to greet me with its presence.  Yep.  A bear.  I’m not talking some cute little fuzzy wuzzy come pet me bear.  I’m talking a ten foot panting I’m gonna bite your head off bear.

I ran.  I ran like a mofo and got my ass back inside this house, screaming on top of my lungs yet again and crying for dear life but no worries, I’m here and I survived.

So no, I didn’t get far.  I stayed home all day listening to absolutely nothing but bugs crawling and mating and taking turns observing either the human eating bear outside or the wonderful flickering light we have in our kitchen.

No bulbs!  We are out of freaking bulbs.  Ha!

Cooking you dinner made me feel like I was under some form of interrogation.  Flicker!  Flicker!  Flicker!  Flicker!  But I am a trooper and you are home and (pointing) there-is-your-din-din.

How was your day darling face?

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In this one-act play, Beverly gets her husband Judd to agree to building her a rocket ship.

Joseph Arnone

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